1
00:03:44,888 --> 00:03:50,486
"Here, of course, it is the same,
apparently, without rational explanation.
2
00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:54,967
"But it's quite easy, when you
come to think of it logically, in fact.
3
00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:59,130
"Doctor Grayson was never in London
at the time of the murder.
4
00:03:59,251 --> 00:04:02,561
"ln fact, the good doctor stayed
at a small hotel in Melksham
5
00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:04,125
"on the night in question
6
00:04:04,252 --> 00:04:07,528
"and then returned to Broughton Gifford
on the 2:40 train,
7
00:04:07,653 --> 00:04:10,929
"disguised as
Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,
8
00:04:11,054 --> 00:04:15,332
"making sure his arrival
was noted by the ticket inspector.
9
00:04:15,454 --> 00:04:18,412
"From then on,
his plan was simplicity itself.
10
00:04:19,375 --> 00:04:21,332
"Knowing it was Burton's day off,
11
00:04:21,455 --> 00:04:24,334
"he had no difficulty
in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved
12
00:04:24,456 --> 00:04:27,767
"and murdering Sir Mortimer
with the arrow from the astrolabe,
13
00:04:27,896 --> 00:04:30,457
"which he had previously sharpened
on the stone-knife grinder
14
00:04:30,577 --> 00:04:31,805
"by the scullery window.
15
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:36,773
"Remember my query
about brass knives, at the time?
16
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:41,414
"l was worried
about those metal shavings."
17
00:04:42,179 --> 00:04:46,935
"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.
You don't miss a trick,
18
00:04:47,061 --> 00:04:52,978
"but since you appear to know so much,
sir," continued the lnspector, humbly,
19
00:04:53,102 --> 00:04:56,538
"l wonder if you could explain just
how the murderer managed
20
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:59,337
"to leave the body of his victim
in the middle of the tennis court
21
00:04:59,463 --> 00:05:03,742
"and effect his escape without leaving
any tracks behind him in the red dust.
22
00:05:03,864 --> 00:05:08,575
"Frankly, sir, we in the police force
are just plain baffled."
23
00:05:15,786 --> 00:05:20,987
St John Lord Merridew,
the great detective, rose majestically,
24
00:05:21,108 --> 00:05:25,819
his huge Father Christmas face
glowing with mischievous delight.
25
00:05:25,949 --> 00:05:29,464
Slowly he brushed the crumbs
of seedy cake
26
00:05:29,589 --> 00:05:32,104
from the folds
of his pendulous waistcoat.
27
00:05:32,230 --> 00:05:35,427
''The police may be baffled, lnspector,''
he boomed,
28
00:05:35,551 --> 00:05:37,781
''but Merridew is not.''
29
00:05:37,911 --> 00:05:41,666
''Thirty years ago, the murderer,
Doctor Grayson,
30
00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:44,511
''was a prominent member
of the Ballet Russe,
31
00:05:44,632 --> 00:05:47,352
''dancing under the name
of Oleg Graysinski.
32
00:05:48,353 --> 00:05:50,914
''Though the years had altered
his appearance somewhat,
33
00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:53,389
''yet his old skill had not deserted him.
34
00:05:53,514 --> 00:05:55,630
''He carried the body
to the centre of the court,
35
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,950
''walking on his points
36
00:05:58,075 --> 00:06:01,307
''along the white tape
which separated the service boxes
37
00:06:01,435 --> 00:06:05,271
''and from there
he threw it seven feet into the court,
38
00:06:05,396 --> 00:06:07,513
''close to the base line,
where it was found,
39
00:06:07,637 --> 00:06:11,152
''and then,
with a neatly executed fouetté,
40
00:06:11,278 --> 00:06:15,066
''he faced about
and went back the way he had come,
41
00:06:15,199 --> 00:06:17,633
''thus leaving no traces.
42
00:06:18,519 --> 00:06:22,399
''And that, lnspector,
is Merridew's solution.''
43
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:23,714
Hello?
44
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:25,754
Are you there?
45
00:06:26,281 --> 00:06:27,634
Mr Wyke?
46
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,041
Mr Wyke?
47
00:06:30,161 --> 00:06:32,073
-Who's there?
-lt's me, Milo Tindle.
48
00:06:32,202 --> 00:06:33,272
l think you're expecting me.
49
00:06:33,402 --> 00:06:36,076
Yes indeed, so good of you to come.
Won't you join me?
50
00:06:36,202 --> 00:06:39,992
Well, l have been trying to do
exactly that for quite some time.
51
00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:44,438
Here we are.
52
00:06:49,765 --> 00:06:52,997
Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum.
l designed it myself.
53
00:06:53,127 --> 00:06:56,324
Provides for me just that extra bit
of privacy that an author requires.
54
00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:58,723
l must say
you're not an easy man to drop in on.
55
00:06:58,847 --> 00:07:02,285
Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle.
l'm Andrew Wyke.
56
00:07:02,408 --> 00:07:04,969
-Welcome to Cloak Manor.
-Thank you.
57
00:07:05,089 --> 00:07:07,239
l found your note when l came down
from London this afternoon.
58
00:07:07,369 --> 00:07:09,725
Oh, good, yes.
l hoped you'd be here this weekend,
59
00:07:09,849 --> 00:07:13,047
so l pushed it through your letter box
a little earlier today.
60
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:15,400
Well, now, what will you have to drink?
61
00:07:15,691 --> 00:07:17,886
-Vodka and tonic, please.
-Of course.
62
00:07:18,011 --> 00:07:21,209
How are you settling in here
at Laundry Cottage?
63
00:07:21,332 --> 00:07:22,321
Very well, thank you.
64
00:07:22,452 --> 00:07:24,523
Using it for weekends
and that sort of thing?
65
00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:26,564
Yes, that sort of thing.
66
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:30,850
Vodka,
l don't seem to have any out here. ls...
67
00:07:30,974 --> 00:07:33,010
-Gin will do.
-Good.
68
00:07:33,174 --> 00:07:35,291
Yes, a charming little place,
Laundry Cottage.
69
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,605
ldeal for relaxations of all kinds.
70
00:07:37,735 --> 00:07:40,455
Unfortunately,
l don't have time for them myself.
71
00:07:40,576 --> 00:07:41,804
As a matter of fact,
72
00:07:41,936 --> 00:07:44,929
l've just dictated the dénouement
of my new book,
73
00:07:45,057 --> 00:07:46,695
Death by Double-Fault.
74
00:07:46,818 --> 00:07:49,412
l must say it's gone extremely well.
75
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,654
Now then, soda, soda, soda...
76
00:07:53,258 --> 00:07:54,247
Dear.
77
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:57,177
l don't seem to have
any tonic here either, it's awful.
78
00:07:57,299 --> 00:07:59,177
-Here, shall we go indoors?
-Whatever you like.
79
00:07:59,299 --> 00:08:00,449
Good.
80
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:04,257
Tell me,
do you agree that the detective story
81
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:07,419
is the normal recreation
of noble minds?
82
00:08:07,541 --> 00:08:10,295
l'm afraid l don't know
very much about noble minds.
83
00:08:10,421 --> 00:08:11,457
ls it supposed to be?
84
00:08:11,582 --> 00:08:15,462
l'm quoting from Philip Guedalla,
a biographer of the '30s.
85
00:08:15,583 --> 00:08:18,144
The golden age
when every cabinet minister
86
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:22,143
had a thriller by his bedside
and all detectives were titled.
87
00:08:22,265 --> 00:08:25,063
-Before your time, l expect.
-Somewhat. Let me carry that.
88
00:08:25,585 --> 00:08:27,735
Thank you so much. Very good of you.
89
00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:32,337
Yet, you know, even today,
l still set my works among the gentry
90
00:08:32,466 --> 00:08:35,140
and a great many ordinary people
seem to enjoy them
91
00:08:35,267 --> 00:08:37,144
in spite of our classless society.
92
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,463
l imagine they do a great deal
of your stuff on television.
93
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:45,542
God forbid, l'd never permit it.
And, incidentally, it's not ''stuff'.
94
00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:48,980
No,
television is not my line of country at all.
95
00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:52,546
That's detective fact,
not detective fiction.
96
00:08:52,670 --> 00:08:55,902
And therefore,
no recreation for noble minds?
97
00:08:56,031 --> 00:08:59,183
You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo,
if l may so address you.
98
00:08:59,552 --> 00:09:02,828
You might as well, we're all on
first name terms these days, Andrew.
99
00:09:02,953 --> 00:09:06,992
Of course we are, and you and l
do need to be friendly, do we not?
100
00:09:27,757 --> 00:09:30,431
How would you like your drink?
With ice?
101
00:09:32,518 --> 00:09:33,747
With ice?
102
00:09:34,719 --> 00:09:36,152
Yes, please.
103
00:09:51,723 --> 00:09:53,280
What does he do?
104
00:09:57,884 --> 00:10:00,352
That's Jolly Jack Tar, the Jovial Sailor.
105
00:10:00,485 --> 00:10:02,998
He and l
have a really splendid relationship.
106
00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:05,764
l make the jokes and he laughs at them.
107
00:10:05,885 --> 00:10:09,595
Here, mein freund,
put that behind your necktie.
108
00:10:10,446 --> 00:10:12,244
-He didn't laugh.
-No, he wasn't meant to.
109
00:10:12,407 --> 00:10:15,046
-l thought you were trying to be funny.
-No, you'll know it when l am.
110
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:16,317
l see.
111
00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:17,881
-Cheers.
-Prost.
112
00:10:22,809 --> 00:10:25,323
-What's this?
-That is an intensely complicated
113
00:10:25,449 --> 00:10:28,044
4th Dynasty blocking game,
called Simera.
114
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,843
l've been studying the thing for months,
but l'm still only a beginner.
115
00:10:30,971 --> 00:10:32,688
l wonder if you'd mind putting that back.
116
00:10:32,811 --> 00:10:34,403
lt's taken me rather a long time
to get it there.
117
00:10:34,532 --> 00:10:38,161
That's the centre column,
fourth from your right.
118
00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:41,922
Well, now,
l understand you want to marry my wife.
119
00:10:45,773 --> 00:10:47,206
Forgive me raising the matter,
120
00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:50,407
but as Marguerite is away for a few days
in the North, visiting relatives,
121
00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:52,605
l thought this might be
an appropriate moment for you and me
122
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,692
to have a little chat.
123
00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:56,009
l see.
124
00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:58,765
Well, is it true?
125
00:11:00,497 --> 00:11:04,012
-Yes, with your permission, of course.
-Why not?
126
00:11:04,137 --> 00:11:07,289
You seem to be a personable enough
young man, nicely spoken,
127
00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:10,536
neatly dressed in brand new
country gentlemen's clothing.
128
00:11:10,659 --> 00:11:13,127
l'm sure you won't mind me
asking you a few questions
129
00:11:13,259 --> 00:11:16,252
about your background, parents,
and so forth.
130
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:21,140
My mother was born in Hereford,
a farmer's daughter,
131
00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:25,493
and my father is an ltalian, who came
to this country in the '30s from Genoa.
132
00:11:25,622 --> 00:11:29,535
-ln the '30s? ls he Jewish?
-No, Catholic, very devout.
133
00:11:29,662 --> 00:11:31,096
Of course,
l'm not religious at all myself.
134
00:11:31,222 --> 00:11:34,021
My dear boy,
you don't have to excuse yourself to me.
135
00:11:34,144 --> 00:11:37,932
We're all liberals here.
l have no prejudice against Catholics.
136
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:39,861
Not even the lapsed Catholics.
137
00:11:39,984 --> 00:11:44,423
ln fact some of my best friends
are lapsed Catholic.
138
00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:47,060
Tell me about your father,
was his name Tindle, too?
139
00:11:47,186 --> 00:11:49,654
No, his name was Tindolini,
140
00:11:49,787 --> 00:11:51,937
but if you had a name like that
in those days
141
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:54,536
you had to ''make-a the ice-a cream-a''.
142
00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:58,028
He was a watchmaker
and he wanted us to become English,
143
00:11:58,148 --> 00:12:01,026
-so he changed it.
-Become English?
144
00:12:02,869 --> 00:12:06,704
-Was he a successful man?
-No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't.
145
00:12:08,071 --> 00:12:12,349
You can't expect to make a living
these days just repairing watches.
146
00:12:12,471 --> 00:12:15,703
He went broke in the end.
l always told him he would.
147
00:12:15,832 --> 00:12:19,143
That must make him
something of a burden to you.
148
00:12:19,312 --> 00:12:21,303
Yeah, it does a bit.
149
00:12:22,313 --> 00:12:24,463
He never went back, you see.
150
00:12:24,594 --> 00:12:27,154
He's still in Soho, still thinks
he had it good all those years.
151
00:12:27,274 --> 00:12:29,584
And you, what do you do?
152
00:12:30,915 --> 00:12:32,394
Don't you know?
153
00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:37,514
l have a hair dressing salon
in South Kensington.
154
00:12:37,636 --> 00:12:38,705
Casa Tindolini.
155
00:12:38,837 --> 00:12:40,555
You can use that word these days,
can you?
156
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,668
People don't take it
for an ice cream salon?
157
00:12:42,797 --> 00:12:46,472
No, the birds... The ladies seem to like
the continental touch.
158
00:12:46,598 --> 00:12:52,232
-English too wholesome for them, eh?
-Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see?
159
00:12:52,359 --> 00:12:56,148
We found that it pays
to provide the Latin lover atmosphere.
160
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,033
Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker
in the Brighton shop,
161
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,834
they're less sophisticated down there.
162
00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:03,600
l mean to say, in London,
half of them have actually got...
163
00:13:03,722 --> 00:13:05,121
Latin lovers?
164
00:13:07,562 --> 00:13:11,841
And where do you live?
Above, behind or below your shop?
165
00:13:11,963 --> 00:13:15,593
l lease a mews house nearby.
lt's convenient and attractive.
166
00:13:15,724 --> 00:13:17,396
lt's Georgian, actually.
167
00:13:17,524 --> 00:13:20,085
From Genoa to Georgian
in a single generation, eh?
168
00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:21,354
Not bad.
169
00:13:21,485 --> 00:13:25,525
But l doubt whether an 18th century
architectural gem in South Kensington
170
00:13:25,646 --> 00:13:28,524
whispers quite the same magic
to Marguerite as it does to you.
171
00:13:28,646 --> 00:13:31,525
She adores old houses.
She can't wait to live in it.
172
00:13:31,647 --> 00:13:35,163
l understood she was already living in it,
once or twice a week at least.
173
00:13:35,288 --> 00:13:37,165
l'm not mistaken, am l?
174
00:13:39,409 --> 00:13:41,604
And that your motive
in renting the cottage down here
175
00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:44,563
was to increase the incidence
of this bi-weekly coupling.
176
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,999
ls that what you've asked me over here
to chat about?
177
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,520
Never speak ill of the deadly, eh?
178
00:13:50,651 --> 00:13:54,121
lf l choose to say
that my wife converses like a child of six
179
00:13:54,252 --> 00:13:57,131
and makes love like an extinct shellfish,
l shall.
180
00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:00,290
And l don't need to ask
her lover's permission to do so either!
181
00:14:00,413 --> 00:14:02,244
-Thank you for the drink.
-Oh, now, now.
182
00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:03,853
l thought you were
brought up in England.
183
00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,204
Surely you know
it's not done to be rude.
184
00:14:06,335 --> 00:14:08,564
You were being rude
about a woman l'm in love with.
185
00:14:08,695 --> 00:14:11,209
On the contrary,
l was reminiscing about my wife.
186
00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:13,896
-lt comes to the same thing.
-Things mostly do, you know.
187
00:14:14,016 --> 00:14:18,056
l'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you
who'll be being rude about Marguerite
188
00:14:18,177 --> 00:14:19,576
and l will be being rhapsodic,
189
00:14:19,697 --> 00:14:22,131
and have quite forgotten
how intolerably tiresome,
190
00:14:22,258 --> 00:14:27,207
vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent
and generally bloody crafty she really is!
191
00:14:29,378 --> 00:14:32,929
Can you afford
to take her off my hands?
192
00:14:39,061 --> 00:14:41,495
-Afford to?
-Support her in the style
193
00:14:41,622 --> 00:14:45,661
to which she was not accustomed
before she met me, but now is?
194
00:14:45,782 --> 00:14:49,219
Well, l'm not a millionaire,
but l'm not starving either.
195
00:14:49,343 --> 00:14:51,380
The shop in London's doing all right,
196
00:14:51,503 --> 00:14:53,620
the one in Brighton's
almost breaking even.
197
00:14:53,744 --> 00:14:55,860
-By this time next year...
-This year, next year, sometime, never.
198
00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:59,375
What you're really saying is
that, at present, you're skint.
199
00:14:59,505 --> 00:15:02,303
-We'll survive.
-Survival is scarcely the point.
200
00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:04,098
Presumably,
when you're married to Marguerite,
201
00:15:04,226 --> 00:15:07,139
you'll want a place on the Riviera,
a fast car, couple of mistresses.
202
00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,303
Presumably?
Just because you need those things?
203
00:15:09,427 --> 00:15:12,943
Oh, no, just this fading mansion,
the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire,
204
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:14,979
and only one mistress, l'm afraid.
205
00:15:15,108 --> 00:15:17,748
Tea, the Finnish bird,
who runs the sauna in Salisbury.
206
00:15:17,949 --> 00:15:19,746
You know about Tea, do you?
207
00:15:19,869 --> 00:15:21,861
Marguerite and l have no secrets
from each other.
208
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,981
Not even mine, it seems.
209
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,707
Tea is a Grelian goddess.
210
00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:28,584
Her golden hair smells of pine
211
00:15:28,711 --> 00:15:33,227
and her cobalt eyes are
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
212
00:15:33,952 --> 00:15:35,670
l hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde
213
00:15:35,792 --> 00:15:38,102
with all the sex appeal
of a second-hand jeep.
214
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:40,111
Not so, dear boy,
you can take it from me.
215
00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:42,667
Tea is an engaging little trollop
and suits me mightily.
216
00:15:42,794 --> 00:15:45,069
Mind you,
she takes a bit of keeping up with.
217
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:49,234
lt's a good thing l am pretty much
of an Olympic sexual athlete.
218
00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:53,554
Yes, l suppose these days you are
concentrating more on the sprints
219
00:15:53,676 --> 00:15:55,473
than on the long distance stuff.
220
00:15:55,596 --> 00:15:58,634
Not so, dear boy,
l'm in the pink of condition.
221
00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:01,749
l could copulate for England
at any distance.
222
00:16:02,558 --> 00:16:03,832
Red.
223
00:16:04,918 --> 00:16:06,910
Well, as they say in the Olympics,
224
00:16:07,038 --> 00:16:10,748
''lt's not the winning,
it's the taking-part that counts.''
225
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,109
Are you going to marry her?
226
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,913
Oh, no, no, no.
l just want to live with her.
227
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,235
So, what's stopping you?
228
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,399
Basically,
the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd,
229
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,797
whom you and Marguerite
have seen fit to employ.
230
00:16:21,922 --> 00:16:23,719
Now, now, don't be so innocent.
231
00:16:23,842 --> 00:16:25,798
Those nicotine stained
private detectives
232
00:16:25,923 --> 00:16:29,120
have been camping outside Tea's flat
for the last week.
233
00:16:29,243 --> 00:16:30,756
lt was an insurance policy
234
00:16:30,884 --> 00:16:33,682
to keep you from changing your mind
about the divorce.
235
00:16:33,804 --> 00:16:35,795
How did you know
l wasn't having you watched?
236
00:16:35,925 --> 00:16:38,678
Why not?
Afraid of what you might find out?
237
00:16:38,805 --> 00:16:42,435
-Or didn't you think that was possible?
-Now, don't start doing a fertility dance.
238
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:44,204
Of course l knew
that they'd find you and Marguerite
239
00:16:44,326 --> 00:16:46,079
rutting away like crazed weasels,
240
00:16:46,207 --> 00:16:48,801
but why should l pay good money
to have something confirmed
241
00:16:48,927 --> 00:16:50,963
which l'd known for months?
242
00:16:51,288 --> 00:16:52,482
Black.
243
00:16:52,608 --> 00:16:55,281
And, if you knew,
why didn't you do something about it?
244
00:16:55,409 --> 00:16:56,603
Of course, l had to assure myself
245
00:16:56,729 --> 00:16:59,198
that you and Marguerite
were going to be a fixture.
246
00:16:59,329 --> 00:17:02,128
You see,
l want to lose the dear girl for life.
247
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:07,769
Not just a two week Tindolini perm,
set and touch-up.
248
00:17:11,092 --> 00:17:13,481
-Good shot.
-Yes, it was. Yellow.
249
00:17:13,612 --> 00:17:15,011
You see,
you don't know her as well as l do.
250
00:17:15,132 --> 00:17:16,691
You think you do, but you don't.
251
00:17:16,812 --> 00:17:20,169
lf you fail her, by which l mean
cancelling the account at Harrods,
252
00:17:20,294 --> 00:17:22,603
or short-changing her on winter
in Jamaica,
253
00:17:22,735 --> 00:17:25,886
she'll be back to me in a jiffy,
mewing for support.
254
00:17:26,014 --> 00:17:29,850
And guilty wife or no,
she may be entitled to get it.
255
00:17:30,736 --> 00:17:32,967
-Green.
-Money isn't everything.
256
00:17:33,096 --> 00:17:36,089
And what if she is used to luxury?
Whose fault is that?
257
00:17:36,217 --> 00:17:40,415
lt's not a fault, if you can afford it,
but can you?
258
00:17:42,538 --> 00:17:44,847
Knowing you to be hard up. Brown.
259
00:17:44,978 --> 00:17:47,652
Has she shown any signs
of mending her ways
260
00:17:47,779 --> 00:17:50,499
in these last idyllic three months?
261
00:17:51,019 --> 00:17:52,009
Blue.
262
00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:54,177
When, for instance,
did she last turn down
263
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,930
a Dom Perignon in favour of,
no offence, mind you,
264
00:17:58,062 --> 00:18:01,019
the persuasive charms of Dago Red?
265
00:18:01,142 --> 00:18:02,370
Black.
266
00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:06,502
No, l'm not joking.
267
00:18:06,623 --> 00:18:09,741
How much has this brief liaison
cost you, so far?
268
00:18:11,944 --> 00:18:16,336
And that old dad of yours in Soho,
when did you last send him any money?
269
00:18:16,985 --> 00:18:21,537
We have talked about money.
Often, l've told her we spend too much.
270
00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:23,384
She takes no notice?
271
00:18:23,747 --> 00:18:24,896
None.
272
00:18:25,507 --> 00:18:29,057
A silvery laugh,
a coquettish turn of the head.
273
00:18:29,187 --> 00:18:30,985
Something like that.
274
00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:34,620
Well, it's to solve this little problem
that l've invited you around here tonight
275
00:18:34,749 --> 00:18:39,107
and this, as they say,
is where the plot thickens.
276
00:18:39,749 --> 00:18:41,024
What plot?
277
00:18:49,111 --> 00:18:50,784
Whatever are you doing
with that cue in your hands?
278
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:54,701
-l was waiting for you to miss.
-Foolish boy.
279
00:18:56,513 --> 00:18:58,788
Once upon a time, my dear Milo,
280
00:18:58,914 --> 00:19:02,874
there was an Englishman
called Andrew Wyke,
281
00:19:02,994 --> 00:19:04,747
who, in common
with most of his countrymen,
282
00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:09,586
was virtually castrated by taxation.
To avoid total emasculation
283
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,754
his accountants advised him
to put a considerable part of his money,
284
00:19:12,876 --> 00:19:17,792
some £250,000, into jewellery.
285
00:19:18,398 --> 00:19:20,150
His wife, of course, was delighted.
286
00:19:20,278 --> 00:19:22,747
Marguerite never told me
that you had given her any jewellery.
287
00:19:22,878 --> 00:19:26,155
Nor did l, of course, it's still mine,
as well she knows.
288
00:19:26,279 --> 00:19:28,669
We just thought it would be
more amusing for her to wear it
289
00:19:28,799 --> 00:19:32,191
than for me to bank it.
After all, it's fully insured.
290
00:19:33,081 --> 00:19:35,834
l see what you mean
by the plot thickening.
291
00:19:35,961 --> 00:19:37,189
l'm glad you follow me so readily.
292
00:19:37,321 --> 00:19:40,200
You see,
l want you to steal that jewellery.
293
00:19:47,684 --> 00:19:51,279
Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away,
it's an admirable opportunity.
294
00:19:51,404 --> 00:19:52,473
What about the servants?
295
00:19:52,605 --> 00:19:56,724
l've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away
to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle.
296
00:19:56,846 --> 00:20:01,078
They won't be back till Sunday night,
so, you see, the house is empty.
297
00:20:06,287 --> 00:20:07,516
Cheers.
298
00:20:09,288 --> 00:20:11,119
Well, what do you say?
299
00:20:11,248 --> 00:20:14,286
-lt sounds distinctly criminal.
-Well, of course it's criminal.
300
00:20:14,409 --> 00:20:17,481
All good moneymaking schemes
in England have to be these days.
301
00:20:17,610 --> 00:20:19,886
Now, the jewellery,
when it's not in the bank,
302
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:24,482
lives in an ingeniously hidden safe
somewhere here in the study.
303
00:20:24,611 --> 00:20:27,409
Where, for instance,
would you look for it?
304
00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:53,765
A good likeness, would you say?
Of course, it's 1 7... No, 18 years ago.
305
00:20:54,577 --> 00:20:56,647
l don't think
you'd hide your safe behind it.
306
00:20:56,778 --> 00:20:58,734
l've seen that in too many movies.
307
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:03,375
Good thinking! All right, then where?
Are you up to finding it?
308
00:22:02,471 --> 00:22:06,589
There are certain skills
best acquired in public bars, l suppose.
309
00:22:06,712 --> 00:22:10,830
-But whatever made you think?
-You and your games.
310
00:22:10,953 --> 00:22:13,514
That is the only game in this room.
311
00:22:15,273 --> 00:22:17,993
Very clever.
Anyway, the jewels are in there.
312
00:22:18,114 --> 00:22:20,025
All you have to do is steal them,
sell them abroad,
313
00:22:20,155 --> 00:22:22,224
and live happily ever after
with Marguerite.
314
00:22:22,355 --> 00:22:25,871
All l have to do is claim the insurance
and live happily ever after with Tea.
315
00:22:25,995 --> 00:22:28,385
ls that what you asked me over to hear?
316
00:22:28,516 --> 00:22:32,510
A grotty little plot
to defraud the insurance company?
317
00:22:32,637 --> 00:22:34,469
l'm sorry you found the plot grotty.
318
00:22:34,597 --> 00:22:37,237
Personally, l thought it was all
rather nicely clear and simple.
319
00:22:37,358 --> 00:22:39,997
Look,
supposing l do as you say and nick...
320
00:22:40,118 --> 00:22:42,872
Steal the jewels.
lf l sell them under my own name,
321
00:22:42,999 --> 00:22:45,798
l'll get picked up
the moment you report the loss.
322
00:22:45,919 --> 00:22:48,958
lf l sell them to a fence,
always presuming l could find one,
323
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,754
he'd carve me up,
l'd get a fraction of their value.
324
00:22:51,881 --> 00:22:54,601
-Not with the fences l know.
-What fences would you know?
325
00:22:54,722 --> 00:22:57,556
The finest in Europe.
Prudent, yet prodigal.
326
00:22:57,682 --> 00:22:59,560
l first met them when l was researching
327
00:22:59,683 --> 00:23:02,038
for The Deadly Affair
of the Druce Diamond.
328
00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:04,074
Surely you've read it.
329
00:23:04,644 --> 00:23:06,680
Pity. lt was an absolute corker.
330
00:23:06,804 --> 00:23:09,797
ln any case, on your behalf,
331
00:23:09,924 --> 00:23:13,077
l have already contacted
a certain gentleman in Amsterdam.
332
00:23:13,205 --> 00:23:14,241
He'll treat you very well.
333
00:23:14,366 --> 00:23:16,561
You won't get the full amount
for the jewels, of course,
334
00:23:16,685 --> 00:23:23,287
but you'll get about two-thirds,
say, £1 70,000.
335
00:23:23,407 --> 00:23:25,319
You'll get it in cash.
336
00:23:25,928 --> 00:23:28,840
-A hundred and seventy thousand quid?
-Cash.
337
00:23:30,849 --> 00:23:32,601
Why should this fellow pay so much?
338
00:23:32,729 --> 00:23:35,369
Because he will get
what no fence ever gets,
339
00:23:35,489 --> 00:23:37,321
title to the jewels.
340
00:23:37,451 --> 00:23:40,045
You see,
in addition to stealing the jewels,
341
00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:44,723
you have also to take the receipts
l got for them.
342
00:23:45,612 --> 00:23:48,365
Now, what does
my insurance company discover
343
00:23:48,492 --> 00:23:53,248
as it swings ponderously into action,
antennae pulsing with suspicion?
344
00:23:53,374 --> 00:23:56,491
lt discovers that someone
impersonating Andrew Wyke
345
00:23:56,614 --> 00:24:03,533
sold the jewels for £1 70,000 cash,
but they still have to pay me.
346
00:24:04,335 --> 00:24:05,974
Hard cheese!
347
00:24:06,816 --> 00:24:09,012
Think it over. Take your time.
348
00:24:22,539 --> 00:24:27,853
Look, l know this sounds stupid,
but have you had any experience?
349
00:24:27,981 --> 00:24:32,293
l mean, have you ever
actually committed a crime before?
350
00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:35,776
St John Lord Merridew
would have a pretty lean time of it
351
00:24:35,902 --> 00:24:38,097
if l didn't think up any crimes
for him to solve.
352
00:24:38,222 --> 00:24:39,781
St John Lord who?
353
00:24:42,383 --> 00:24:44,659
-You're joking.
-What about?
354
00:24:45,824 --> 00:24:48,020
Who is St John Lord Merridew?
355
00:24:48,144 --> 00:24:49,942
Why, even Marguerite,
when l first met her,
356
00:24:50,065 --> 00:24:51,657
knew and adored him.
357
00:24:51,785 --> 00:24:55,665
He's my detective, known to millions
throughout the civilised world.
358
00:24:55,786 --> 00:25:00,065
With a nose for smelling out evil
superior to anything on the force.
359
00:25:00,187 --> 00:25:01,620
Oh, yes.
360
00:25:01,747 --> 00:25:05,457
The police are always stupid in
the kind of books you write, aren't they?
361
00:25:05,588 --> 00:25:07,067
They never solve anything.
362
00:25:07,188 --> 00:25:10,818
lt's always the amateur sleuth
who knows what's going on.
363
00:25:10,949 --> 00:25:15,307
But that's detective fiction.
This is fact, this is real.
364
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:17,580
l'm well aware of the difference,
my dear Milo,
365
00:25:17,711 --> 00:25:21,590
but l'm also aware of my own
not inconsiderable capabilities.
366
00:25:22,071 --> 00:25:24,506
Of course, if you doubt them
or don't trust me...
367
00:25:24,632 --> 00:25:26,827
l'm not sure that l do.
368
00:25:26,953 --> 00:25:29,751
That's why it's a very difficult decision
to make.
369
00:25:29,873 --> 00:25:31,546
Not at all difficult, perfectly simple.
370
00:25:31,673 --> 00:25:34,142
You have an expensive woman
and no money.
371
00:25:34,274 --> 00:25:36,071
Yeah, but why don't you
steal the bloody jewels
372
00:25:36,194 --> 00:25:37,547
and simply hand them over to me?
373
00:25:37,675 --> 00:25:41,384
l should have thought that was obvious.
The burglary has to look real.
374
00:25:41,515 --> 00:25:43,746
This house has actually
to be broken into.
375
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:46,310
Then why don't you break into it?
376
00:25:46,437 --> 00:25:48,792
lt's a question of agility for one thing,
dear boy.
377
00:25:48,917 --> 00:25:51,431
Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour.
378
00:25:51,557 --> 00:25:53,389
Let me handle this,
you know what l mean?
379
00:25:53,518 --> 00:25:58,229
Crime is my bag. l got this caper
all worked out to the last detail.
380
00:26:00,639 --> 00:26:04,872
£1 70,000.
381
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,391
Cash, tax free.
382
00:26:11,842 --> 00:26:15,039
lt'd take an awful lot
of Tindolini's tonsorial teasing
383
00:26:15,162 --> 00:26:17,313
to raise that kind of money.
384
00:26:18,003 --> 00:26:20,278
All right, l'll do it.
385
00:26:20,403 --> 00:26:23,282
-Where do you want me to break in?
-Oh, no, no. Not so fast.
386
00:26:23,404 --> 00:26:27,159
-You've got to get disguised first.
-What for?
387
00:26:27,285 --> 00:26:30,357
Well, suppose somebody saw you
climbing in?
388
00:26:30,485 --> 00:26:32,681
Here? ln the middle of nowhere?
389
00:26:32,805 --> 00:26:34,876
l could hardly find this place
with a bloody map!
390
00:26:35,006 --> 00:26:37,316
You never know.
391
00:26:37,807 --> 00:26:40,958
A dallying couple,
a passing sheep rapist.
392
00:26:41,088 --> 00:26:43,397
Besides, dear boy,
don't forget the clues we've got to leave
393
00:26:43,528 --> 00:26:45,485
for the police
and the insurance company.
394
00:26:45,609 --> 00:26:48,521
We don't want your footsteps
in the flower beds,
395
00:26:48,649 --> 00:26:50,605
or your coat button
snagged on the window sill.
396
00:26:50,730 --> 00:26:53,608
No, no, no! You must be disguised!
397
00:26:53,730 --> 00:26:55,323
All right, how?
398
00:26:57,171 --> 00:26:59,810
Please to follow me, number one son.
399
00:27:03,372 --> 00:27:05,204
You know, my dear Milo,
400
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:08,325
in the good old days, before television,
that is,
401
00:27:08,453 --> 00:27:11,446
people constructed the pleasures of life
for themselves.
402
00:27:11,574 --> 00:27:13,644
They amused each other
and were in turn amused.
403
00:27:13,774 --> 00:27:17,324
They didn't just sit and stare.
404
00:27:17,454 --> 00:27:19,811
Why, in this house
there was scarcely a weekend
405
00:27:19,935 --> 00:27:23,087
without its treasure hunts, charades,
406
00:27:23,216 --> 00:27:27,051
games of infinite variety,
make up and dress up.
407
00:27:27,177 --> 00:27:30,887
There was virtually no end
to the concealment of identity,
408
00:27:31,017 --> 00:27:32,656
but surely Marguerite has told you.
409
00:27:32,778 --> 00:27:35,133
Actually, she never mentioned it.
410
00:27:37,499 --> 00:27:39,456
lt was all some time ago.
411
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:44,976
A few scenes from some of my books,
lovingly recreated by an artist friend.
412
00:27:45,101 --> 00:27:47,661
The necrophilic barber
of Tunbridge Wells
413
00:27:47,781 --> 00:27:52,094
and the doltish pie poisoner
from the Simple Simon murders.
414
00:27:53,342 --> 00:27:55,856
And here's my favourite.
Now, this really is ingenious...
415
00:27:55,983 --> 00:27:59,659
Andrew, we were looking for a disguise.
416
00:27:59,784 --> 00:28:01,422
Quite so, dear boy, so we were.
417
00:28:01,543 --> 00:28:05,059
Now, here we are,
the old dressing up basket,
418
00:28:05,185 --> 00:28:09,064
our old treasure chest of make-believe.
Let's see what we've got.
419
00:28:09,505 --> 00:28:14,375
This should suit. ltem, one black face
mask, one black flat cap,
420
00:28:14,507 --> 00:28:17,101
a striped jersey
and a bag marked ''swag''.
421
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,382
Why not a neon sign
with ''burglar'' on it?
422
00:28:20,588 --> 00:28:22,340
You may have a point.
423
00:28:23,269 --> 00:28:26,978
One of my favourites,
the ecclesiastical house breaker,
424
00:28:27,109 --> 00:28:29,100
Brother Lightfingers.
425
00:28:29,229 --> 00:28:31,790
Perhaps we shall never know
the identity of the cowled figure
426
00:28:31,909 --> 00:28:33,628
seen haunting the grounds
of the old Manor House
427
00:28:33,750 --> 00:28:34,945
on the night of the terrible murder.
428
00:28:35,070 --> 00:28:38,188
lf living identity had happened.
429
00:28:38,311 --> 00:28:41,145
There are those to this day
who claim to hear
430
00:28:41,272 --> 00:28:45,266
the agonised screams of the victim
431
00:28:45,393 --> 00:28:48,544
echoing through the chimney pots!
432
00:28:48,673 --> 00:28:52,064
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
stop mucking about!
433
00:28:52,194 --> 00:28:55,824
Haven't you just got
an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat
434
00:28:55,955 --> 00:28:57,708
and a sock l can pull over my head?
435
00:28:57,835 --> 00:29:02,785
Old pair of sneakers and a sock?
Milo, where's your sense of style?
436
00:29:02,916 --> 00:29:05,908
We must give our crime
the true sparkle of the '30s,
437
00:29:06,037 --> 00:29:08,790
a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness.
438
00:29:08,918 --> 00:29:11,512
Don't you feel the need
to give your old arch enemy,
439
00:29:11,638 --> 00:29:14,790
lnspector Plodder, of the Yard,
a run for his money?
440
00:29:16,519 --> 00:29:20,718
Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you.
441
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,231
A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots
442
00:29:26,321 --> 00:29:28,756
and all the snuff you could want.
443
00:29:31,122 --> 00:29:32,999
Groovy!
444
00:29:33,122 --> 00:29:36,559
Look,
l might even do the whole thing in drag.
445
00:29:40,044 --> 00:29:42,512
Kiss me, you fool.
446
00:29:43,525 --> 00:29:45,959
l can fight it no longer, darling.
447
00:29:46,525 --> 00:29:50,280
lf you must go, don't look back,
Andrew...
448
00:29:51,526 --> 00:29:53,404
Jesus Christ! Who's that?
449
00:29:53,527 --> 00:29:56,405
So that's where you've been,
Auntie Borden, naughty girl.
450
00:29:56,527 --> 00:29:59,406
-Shall we decide on the dress, then?
-No, l don't like it.
451
00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:02,362
Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you?
452
00:30:02,488 --> 00:30:04,444
There doesn't seem to be
a very great deal left.
453
00:30:04,569 --> 00:30:07,130
We'll just have to settle for Joey.
454
00:30:08,490 --> 00:30:12,688
Joey. Now you're talking.
455
00:30:12,810 --> 00:30:14,039
A clown!
456
00:30:14,251 --> 00:30:15,730
Can't you see it all?
457
00:30:15,851 --> 00:30:19,891
The sawdust ring, the tinsel, the glitter,
the lights!
458
00:30:20,011 --> 00:30:22,163
The elephants, the high wire,
the roar of the crowds.
459
00:30:22,292 --> 00:30:25,045
There is Milo Tindle,
the kiddies' delight!
460
00:30:25,173 --> 00:30:28,210
-Now, this is all right.
-Off with your jacket!
461
00:30:29,294 --> 00:30:30,613
That's right,
your shirt and your trousers.
462
00:30:30,735 --> 00:30:31,723
What for?
463
00:30:31,855 --> 00:30:34,653
We don't want the police to find
any fibres from this beautiful frock.
464
00:30:34,775 --> 00:30:37,336
You've no idea how clever they are
in those laboratories of theirs.
465
00:30:37,455 --> 00:30:39,094
We won't take any risks, you and l.
466
00:30:39,216 --> 00:30:42,527
That's right, down to your smalls.
Don't be shy.
467
00:30:44,697 --> 00:30:47,973
l know a well brought up boy
when l see one.
468
00:30:48,098 --> 00:30:50,009
Folds his trousers at night, huh?
469
00:31:04,901 --> 00:31:09,578
Hey, slap shoes. Do you know
l've always wanted a pair of these?
470
00:31:09,702 --> 00:31:10,691
Yes, my boy.
471
00:31:10,822 --> 00:31:12,734
My father took me to the palladium
when l was a kid.
472
00:31:12,862 --> 00:31:14,615
l might have caught on
in show business, you know?
473
00:31:14,743 --> 00:31:17,052
You never know,
a lot of my friends did.
474
00:31:17,184 --> 00:31:20,460
They got to the top. You know how?
They danced their way through.
475
00:31:23,825 --> 00:31:26,898
You know, l guess vaudeville's loss
was hairdressing's gain.
476
00:31:27,025 --> 00:31:29,665
-Talking of gain, are we ready?
-Yes!
477
00:31:29,786 --> 00:31:33,017
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
478
00:31:33,147 --> 00:31:35,058
The grand parade.
479
00:31:45,829 --> 00:31:47,979
Make way for Tindolini!
480
00:31:49,150 --> 00:31:53,621
The kiddies' favourite.
Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock!
481
00:31:54,751 --> 00:31:56,628
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
482
00:31:56,752 --> 00:32:01,622
in the centre ring,
the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini!
483
00:32:05,713 --> 00:32:09,424
-He thinks l'm funny.
-You are funny. Turn it off!
484
00:32:11,954 --> 00:32:15,152
Now then,
one glass cutter for breaking in with,
485
00:32:15,276 --> 00:32:17,915
one piece of putty
for holding on to the cut piece of glass
486
00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:19,516
so it doesn't clatter to the ground
487
00:32:19,636 --> 00:32:21,389
and awake
the ravenous Doberman Pinscher
488
00:32:21,516 --> 00:32:24,715
you suspect lurks inside
and one stethoscope.
489
00:32:24,837 --> 00:32:27,227
-Stethoscope?
-Safe breakers for the use of.
490
00:32:27,358 --> 00:32:31,352
The theory is you tried to pick the lock
of the safe by listening to the tumblers,
491
00:32:31,479 --> 00:32:33,754
you failed and had to resort to dynamite.
492
00:32:33,879 --> 00:32:36,838
-Dynamite? What for?
-Safes for the blowing open of.
493
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,758
But you can leave all that to me.
Now, how about a bizarre touch?
494
00:32:39,881 --> 00:32:43,954
Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom
impaled upon a splinter of glass.
495
00:32:44,081 --> 00:32:46,072
Why not take a full page ad
in The Times
496
00:32:46,202 --> 00:32:48,193
and sell tickets
for the cops to come and watch?
497
00:32:48,322 --> 00:32:49,311
Pom-poms.
498
00:32:49,442 --> 00:32:51,319
Well, l was only trying to lighten
lnspector Plodder's day
499
00:32:51,443 --> 00:32:52,432
for him, but if you don't like it...
500
00:32:52,563 --> 00:32:54,634
There is no such animal
as lnspector Plodder
501
00:32:54,763 --> 00:32:56,834
outside your detective stories.
502
00:32:56,964 --> 00:32:58,636
lt'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke
503
00:32:58,764 --> 00:33:01,153
who knows his job
down to the last detail!
504
00:33:01,285 --> 00:33:03,241
You can bet your bottom dollar on that!
505
00:33:03,365 --> 00:33:06,438
And l can't move in this outfit!
These bloody boots are ridiculous!
506
00:33:06,566 --> 00:33:10,879
But you loved them so. Do keep them
on! Can't you see the headlines?
507
00:33:11,006 --> 00:33:14,887
''Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled,
where will Big Boots strike next?''
508
00:33:15,008 --> 00:33:17,568
Right in the arse, that's where, mine.
509
00:33:18,128 --> 00:33:22,202
All those boots will tell the police
is that a true professional
510
00:33:22,329 --> 00:33:24,797
realising that the flower beds
would carry footprints,
511
00:33:24,930 --> 00:33:27,569
decided to disguise his own.
512
00:33:27,690 --> 00:33:30,045
Now, do come along.
Now, have you got everything?
513
00:33:30,171 --> 00:33:32,890
Glass cutter, putty and...
514
00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:35,446
-Yes, yes, yes... l've got everything.
-And the stethoscope?
515
00:33:35,571 --> 00:33:42,046
Milo, you are maudlin.
You are the complete clown.
516
00:33:42,253 --> 00:33:43,208
Thank you.
517
00:33:45,414 --> 00:33:47,006
Very clever!
518
00:33:47,374 --> 00:33:50,572
Now,
come along with me and listen carefully.
519
00:33:54,655 --> 00:33:57,329
Go around the house to your left,
and cross the lawn diagonally.
520
00:33:57,456 --> 00:33:59,924
ln the far corner you'll find a shed,
in the shed you'll find a ladder.
521
00:34:00,057 --> 00:34:03,254
Bring it back here and lean it up against
the great window in the main room,
522
00:34:03,378 --> 00:34:04,891
so that you can break in
on the upper landing.
523
00:34:05,018 --> 00:34:06,337
Understanding?
524
00:34:08,378 --> 00:34:09,971
-Upper landing?
-Yeah.
525
00:34:10,099 --> 00:34:13,011
l suppose you couldn't come and hold
the ladder steady for me, could you?
526
00:34:13,139 --> 00:34:16,257
Certainly not. l don't want my footprints
in the flower beds.
527
00:34:16,380 --> 00:34:18,769
-l'm not very good at heights.
-Well, don't look down.
528
00:34:18,901 --> 00:34:22,371
Concentrate instead on thick bundles
of crisp pound notes,
529
00:34:22,501 --> 00:34:25,778
1 70,000 of them in cash, tax free.
530
00:34:25,902 --> 00:34:27,540
Good luck, Milo.
531
00:34:32,263 --> 00:34:34,255
Don't forget your gloves.
532
00:34:34,584 --> 00:34:36,255
What a way to make a living.
533
00:36:33,008 --> 00:36:34,839
Did you hear a noise, puss?
534
00:36:36,168 --> 00:36:38,637
And was that a footstep in the garden?
535
00:36:38,769 --> 00:36:42,843
No, no. l must be mistaken.
There it is again.
536
00:37:05,054 --> 00:37:06,328
What's that?
537
00:37:06,455 --> 00:37:10,209
Someone outside, prowling around
the grounds. l'm certain of it.
538
00:37:44,942 --> 00:37:48,219
Now, now, now.
We mustn't imagine things.
539
00:37:48,343 --> 00:37:51,541
Who would harm
a kindly old spinster like me?
540
00:37:51,664 --> 00:37:54,974
The front door's locked
and the windows, too.
541
00:37:55,385 --> 00:38:00,255
Hey, no one could possibly
break into our snug little home.
542
00:38:06,547 --> 00:38:09,506
For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't
have made more noise on D-day!
543
00:38:09,627 --> 00:38:12,222
The bloody glass came out,
my bloody boot got stuck,
544
00:38:12,347 --> 00:38:13,781
and l fell down the bloody ladder!
545
00:38:13,908 --> 00:38:16,662
Well, the bloody police must've heard it
all the way to bloody Salisbury.
546
00:38:16,789 --> 00:38:17,938
l'm sorry!
547
00:39:05,758 --> 00:39:08,353
Somehow, l thought you'd be better
than that at climbing ladders.
548
00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:17,199
-Now for the jewels.
-Not straight away.
549
00:39:17,321 --> 00:39:19,119
You're not supposed to know
where they are.
550
00:39:19,241 --> 00:39:23,201
You'll have to hunt about a bit first,
disturb a few things.
551
00:39:23,322 --> 00:39:27,111
lf you'll be good enough to follow me
Miss Rebecca...
552
00:39:37,805 --> 00:39:39,444
A turnstile to the bedrooms?
553
00:39:39,565 --> 00:39:43,036
One way or another,
one always pays to get in.
554
00:39:49,648 --> 00:39:53,687
The mistress' bedroom,
or would you know your way about?
555
00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:57,199
-The mistress or her bedroom?
-lt's irrelevant.
556
00:39:57,929 --> 00:40:01,684
Now, Milo, where to begin?
557
00:40:02,010 --> 00:40:07,039
The bottom drawer,
the trousseau drawer, the frillies!
558
00:40:07,171 --> 00:40:09,446
Take them out, vandalise them.
559
00:40:10,132 --> 00:40:13,727
Come on, Milo,
you're a burglar, not a lady's maid.
560
00:40:13,853 --> 00:40:16,287
Don't pat them, ravage them.
561
00:40:16,533 --> 00:40:18,091
Come on, Milo.
562
00:40:19,934 --> 00:40:23,051
Excellent. Now, tear that.
563
00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:24,727
That's better.
564
00:40:24,855 --> 00:40:26,732
Now, where would
m'lady hide the trophies
565
00:40:26,856 --> 00:40:29,211
of her skilled accomplishments?
566
00:40:29,336 --> 00:40:33,534
Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds,
sapphires interleaved
567
00:40:33,656 --> 00:40:36,729
among her lace-edged underclothes,
568
00:40:36,857 --> 00:40:39,816
stuffed into the false bottoms
of hat boxes,
569
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:43,773
sewn into the hems
of always the latest, had-to-have,
570
00:40:43,899 --> 00:40:46,619
at-once-discarded Parisian dresses,
571
00:40:46,739 --> 00:40:52,053
or perhaps secretly concealed
in the back of this?
572
00:40:52,860 --> 00:40:55,659
What better safe deposit for deceit?
573
00:40:55,781 --> 00:40:58,899
How often has it reflected
the bright eyes that betray?
574
00:40:59,022 --> 00:41:03,857
The mouth that lied and kissed
and lied again!
575
00:41:03,983 --> 00:41:06,577
l thought it was me who
was supposed to be doing the ravaging?
576
00:41:06,704 --> 00:41:09,423
So it was. So it was.
Merely demonstrating, l was.
577
00:41:09,543 --> 00:41:12,263
Be a good fellow.
Stamp on that, will you?
578
00:41:13,465 --> 00:41:15,342
-Why me?
-l'm afraid if l broke it
579
00:41:15,465 --> 00:41:18,138
l'd get seven more years of Marguerite.
580
00:41:20,306 --> 00:41:21,659
Thank you.
581
00:41:27,708 --> 00:41:29,824
-Now, where's your bedroom?
-My...
582
00:41:29,948 --> 00:41:33,180
-lt's my turn to demonstrate.
-My dear Milo,
583
00:41:33,308 --> 00:41:35,904
having failed to find the jewels among
the lady's personal possessions...
584
00:41:36,029 --> 00:41:37,099
lt'd be a bit suspicious,
585
00:41:37,229 --> 00:41:39,185
a professional burglar
playing favourites.
586
00:41:39,310 --> 00:41:41,744
No, on the contrary,
an intelligent burglar
587
00:41:41,871 --> 00:41:44,100
would immediately look
for the next most likely hiding place.
588
00:41:44,231 --> 00:41:46,381
-Which is where?
-The inevitable safe.
589
00:41:46,512 --> 00:41:49,424
Just blow it open and steal what's in it.
590
00:41:49,552 --> 00:41:51,031
Come on, Milo.
591
00:41:52,473 --> 00:41:53,508
Right.
592
00:42:01,594 --> 00:42:04,667
-What kind of charge you got here?
-Enough for the job.
593
00:42:04,795 --> 00:42:07,947
l learnt about explosives for
The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.
594
00:42:08,076 --> 00:42:10,909
Ready? Stand by for the countdown.
595
00:42:14,597 --> 00:42:15,597
Five, a four,
596
00:42:15,597 --> 00:42:16,917
Five, a four,
597
00:42:17,038 --> 00:42:18,073
a three,
598
00:42:18,198 --> 00:42:19,267
a two,
599
00:42:19,398 --> 00:42:20,673
a one,
600
00:42:20,798 --> 00:42:21,867
a blast off.
601
00:42:52,605 --> 00:42:54,835
l've got it. l've got it.
602
00:43:00,246 --> 00:43:03,080
What are you shaking it for?
lt's a jewel box, not a maraca.
603
00:43:03,207 --> 00:43:05,516
l thought it might have a secret catch.
lt's locked, you see?
604
00:43:05,648 --> 00:43:06,636
Well, smash it open.
605
00:43:06,768 --> 00:43:10,444
Jesus, you have all the killer instinct
of a 20-year-old Sealyham.
606
00:43:10,568 --> 00:43:13,367
lt's a very pretty box,
it seemed such a waste.
607
00:43:24,371 --> 00:43:28,604
-Dear God.
-Moses looks upon the Promised Land.
608
00:43:34,053 --> 00:43:35,771
They're fantastic.
609
00:43:46,415 --> 00:43:49,613
-Look at this ruby necklace.
-Never much cared for it myself.
610
00:43:49,737 --> 00:43:53,412
Always thought it made Marguerite
look like a blood sacrifice.
611
00:43:53,537 --> 00:43:58,407
l wish my old man could see these.
He never knew what it was all about.
612
00:43:58,538 --> 00:44:03,169
Sitting there, every night,
hunched over those watches of his.
613
00:44:03,299 --> 00:44:06,770
Squinting his eyesight away,
and for what?
614
00:44:07,620 --> 00:44:11,819
To give me an education at
a second-rate public school.
615
00:44:13,581 --> 00:44:16,096
l suppose he thought he had to.
616
00:44:16,221 --> 00:44:18,531
That he owed it to me
617
00:44:18,662 --> 00:44:21,540
and the brand new
Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted.
618
00:44:24,463 --> 00:44:25,782
Silly old bugger.
619
00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:30,341
Never thought his son would be tucking
a fortune away into his pocket, eh?
620
00:44:30,985 --> 00:44:32,816
Family reminiscence,
no matter how touching,
621
00:44:32,945 --> 00:44:34,742
is something we just haven't
got time for at the moment.
622
00:44:34,865 --> 00:44:36,218
Do you mind?
623
00:44:41,787 --> 00:44:44,382
Now, this is the fun bit,
where the householder,
624
00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:46,941
wrenched from his dreams
by the sound of the explosion,
625
00:44:47,068 --> 00:44:49,901
surprises the burglar,
and in the ensuing fight,
626
00:44:50,029 --> 00:44:52,020
the house is sacked.
627
00:44:52,149 --> 00:44:55,062
Why is it necessary
for you to surprise me at all?
628
00:44:55,189 --> 00:44:57,340
Because, if l've seen
you at close quarters,
629
00:44:57,470 --> 00:45:00,780
l can always describe you
to the police, wrongly.
630
00:45:01,831 --> 00:45:04,299
''Did you get a good look
at the intruder's face, sir?''
631
00:45:04,431 --> 00:45:07,902
''Yes, lnspector, l did.
l don't know if it was a trick of the light,
632
00:45:08,033 --> 00:45:10,990
''but somehow,
his face seemed not wholly human...''
633
00:45:11,113 --> 00:45:12,751
How much sacking do you want done?
634
00:45:12,873 --> 00:45:15,104
A decent bit, l think.
A few chairs upturned,
635
00:45:15,234 --> 00:45:16,667
ornaments put to the sword,
that sort of thing.
636
00:45:16,794 --> 00:45:19,548
You know,
convincing but not Carthaginian.
637
00:45:29,357 --> 00:45:31,666
You surely don't call that convincing.
638
00:45:31,797 --> 00:45:33,196
Milo.
639
00:45:40,958 --> 00:45:44,748
Let the literature fly to the four winds,
640
00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:50,433
let the contents of drawers
be strewn like autumn leaves.
641
00:46:09,005 --> 00:46:11,280
Hey, that's my new manuscript!
642
00:46:17,407 --> 00:46:19,762
Let my secretary sort it out.
643
00:46:31,209 --> 00:46:33,484
-Enough?
-For a starter.
644
00:46:33,610 --> 00:46:38,924
Now, let's see what accident does
to artifice, seconds out of the ring.
645
00:46:39,050 --> 00:46:42,488
-What seconds? What for?
-The ensuing fight, remember?
646
00:46:45,132 --> 00:46:47,283
-Hey!
-Well, you're the underdog, aren't you?
647
00:46:47,412 --> 00:46:51,122
You got the support of the crowd,
haven't you? What more do you want?
648
00:46:52,933 --> 00:46:54,731
-You've asked for this.
-Don't let me out.
649
00:46:54,854 --> 00:46:56,254
My wife's gonna have a baby.
650
00:46:56,374 --> 00:46:58,127
Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up.
651
00:46:58,254 --> 00:47:00,849
This fight is fixed, remember?
This is where l take a dive,
652
00:47:00,975 --> 00:47:03,284
and you knock me out cold!
653
00:47:04,296 --> 00:47:05,855
-For real?
-Naturally.
654
00:47:05,976 --> 00:47:08,695
When the police come,
l'll have to show them a real lump.
655
00:47:08,817 --> 00:47:10,853
Yes, l thought you'd like this bit.
656
00:47:10,977 --> 00:47:12,855
You're dead right.
657
00:47:12,977 --> 00:47:15,412
Now, what shall l use?
658
00:47:15,538 --> 00:47:18,053
Not my opaline, if you don't mind.
659
00:47:20,099 --> 00:47:24,298
There it is.
The original blunt instrument.
660
00:47:24,420 --> 00:47:26,217
The poker.
661
00:47:26,341 --> 00:47:28,171
-Right. Now, where do you want it?
-Now steady.
662
00:47:28,301 --> 00:47:29,370
Now, don't get carried away.
663
00:47:29,501 --> 00:47:31,617
lt's not a murder weapon you
are talking about, you know?
664
00:47:31,741 --> 00:47:32,731
-No?
-No.
665
00:47:32,862 --> 00:47:34,534
We're discussing an object
from which l receive,
666
00:47:34,662 --> 00:47:36,574
in the classic formula, a glancing blow,
667
00:47:36,702 --> 00:47:39,740
which will raise a lump
without actually cracking the cranium.
668
00:47:39,863 --> 00:47:41,854
Why don't l just
keep tapping you lightly on the head
669
00:47:41,984 --> 00:47:43,861
with the poker, until a lump comes up?
670
00:47:43,984 --> 00:47:45,383
Quite frankly, l've rather
gone off the whole thing.
671
00:47:45,504 --> 00:47:48,258
Now, l know, you can always tie me up
and gag me and leave me
672
00:47:48,385 --> 00:47:49,818
to be found by the cleaning woman.
673
00:47:49,945 --> 00:47:51,584
''Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke!
674
00:47:51,705 --> 00:47:55,619
''Whatever do we be doing there
all trussed up like a turkey cock?
675
00:47:59,547 --> 00:48:01,617
''God bless you, sir.
You're trying out something
676
00:48:01,747 --> 00:48:03,943
''for one of them creepy new books
of yours.
677
00:48:04,068 --> 00:48:07,027
''l know, now don't you mind me.
l won't disturb thee.
678
00:48:07,149 --> 00:48:09,583
''l'll just be getting on with me dusting.''
679
00:48:09,709 --> 00:48:14,704
Andrew, if l don't knock you out,
how have l tied you up?
680
00:48:14,830 --> 00:48:16,423
That's a very good question.
681
00:48:16,550 --> 00:48:18,951
Come to think of it,
you could always hold a gun on me.
682
00:48:19,151 --> 00:48:22,383
We professional burglars
don't fancy firearms much.
683
00:48:22,592 --> 00:48:24,071
We are English, after all.
684
00:48:24,272 --> 00:48:27,071
You could always conquer
your Anglo-Saxon scruples.
685
00:48:27,193 --> 00:48:30,663
Besides, it will be my own revolver,
which you had taken from me
686
00:48:30,794 --> 00:48:32,465
during the struggle.
687
00:48:32,714 --> 00:48:34,033
-ls that loaded?
-Well, of course.
688
00:48:34,154 --> 00:48:35,189
What would be the use of it, otherwise?
689
00:48:35,315 --> 00:48:38,352
And l think it ought to go off
once or twice as we tussle,
690
00:48:38,475 --> 00:48:41,228
blowing to smithereens
the usual priceless heirlooms.
691
00:48:41,435 --> 00:48:43,745
-Why?
-To lend credence to my story
692
00:48:43,876 --> 00:48:47,710
of your holding it on me,
while you gagged me and tied me up.
693
00:48:47,837 --> 00:48:50,306
-All right?
-Yeah. Yeah, l suppose so.
694
00:48:50,678 --> 00:48:53,067
Right. Now, what to sacrifice?
695
00:48:54,118 --> 00:48:56,952
What about this old codger up here?
696
00:48:57,078 --> 00:48:58,273
Put that down at once!
697
00:48:58,399 --> 00:48:59,798
That's my Edgar Allan Poe award,
698
00:48:59,919 --> 00:49:01,592
given me by the
Mystery Writers of America
699
00:49:01,720 --> 00:49:05,713
for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs,
The Slaying of Jack Sprat.
700
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,880
lronically enough,
for one who would eat no fat,
701
00:49:09,001 --> 00:49:12,198
he was murdered by an injection
of concentrated cholesterol.
702
00:49:12,322 --> 00:49:13,437
Now.
703
00:49:14,723 --> 00:49:19,923
What do you say to the demolition
of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug?
704
00:49:29,045 --> 00:49:30,160
Puzzle jug?
705
00:49:30,285 --> 00:49:33,358
To solve the puzzle,
pour some water out of it.
706
00:49:42,488 --> 00:49:45,367
-Very funny.
-Marguerite thought it clever.
707
00:49:45,489 --> 00:49:47,525
Which ought to tell you
something about Marguerite.
708
00:49:47,809 --> 00:49:50,165
Let us expose its shortcomings.
709
00:49:52,530 --> 00:49:54,964
Well, you might've said good shot.
710
00:49:55,210 --> 00:49:58,521
You bloody maniac!
You could've killed me!
711
00:49:58,652 --> 00:50:02,611
Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke,
the demon gunman of Cloak Manor.
712
00:50:02,732 --> 00:50:04,211
Now, what next?
713
00:50:08,093 --> 00:50:12,372
The last tender memento
of our Venetian honeymoon.
714
00:50:13,014 --> 00:50:15,813
l will not resist the temptation.
715
00:50:16,655 --> 00:50:21,571
Shucks. Gosh darn,
if l ain't missed the dog-gone critter.
716
00:50:30,337 --> 00:50:31,736
You hit what you were aiming for,
all right.
717
00:50:31,858 --> 00:50:33,258
Now don't be peevish, Milo.
718
00:50:33,378 --> 00:50:35,973
There's nothing like a little bit
of mayhem to cheer one up.
719
00:50:36,099 --> 00:50:39,649
-Did you ever know Charlie Begby?
-You know damned well l didn't.
720
00:50:39,780 --> 00:50:42,817
He was the very finest shot
l ever did see.
721
00:50:42,940 --> 00:50:47,776
l once saw him bag six ducks
with one shot, when he was blind drunk.
722
00:50:47,901 --> 00:50:49,176
The only thing was,
they were china ducks
723
00:50:49,301 --> 00:50:50,940
in his auntie's drawing room. And l said,
724
00:50:51,062 --> 00:50:54,578
''But Charlie, you can't do that.
lt's the closed season.''
725
00:50:57,463 --> 00:50:59,374
Told you he always laughs at my jokes.
726
00:50:59,504 --> 00:51:01,335
Even the bad ones.
727
00:51:02,024 --> 00:51:04,822
True, not as funny as all that.
728
00:51:04,945 --> 00:51:08,858
There's an open season
all the year round for some creatures.
729
00:51:09,266 --> 00:51:12,064
Seducers and wife-stealers,
for example.
730
00:51:12,266 --> 00:51:13,858
Now, that's a bad ltalian joke.
731
00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:16,182
You should know,
it's your country of origin, is it not?
732
00:51:16,307 --> 00:51:20,745
No, actually, l'm English.
l was born here in England.
733
00:51:20,868 --> 00:51:23,143
Were you now? Actually?
734
00:51:23,269 --> 00:51:25,419
Born in dear old,
cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system
735
00:51:25,549 --> 00:51:29,065
who-screws-my-wife,
merits-a-large-pink-gin, England?
736
00:51:29,190 --> 00:51:31,750
Sense-of-humour,
fair-play England, l mean.
737
00:51:32,351 --> 00:51:34,228
Don't you believe it.
That's the way a foreigner talks.
738
00:51:34,350 --> 00:51:37,309
What he really thinks in private is,
''Filthy, wet country!
739
00:51:37,432 --> 00:51:39,388
''Ugly, red, cold men
740
00:51:39,512 --> 00:51:42,232
''who don't know how to treat
their pale, pink, cool women.''
741
00:51:42,353 --> 00:51:44,309
And what brought all this on, then?
742
00:51:48,274 --> 00:51:51,186
-What are you doing with that gun?
-Pretty obviously pointing it at you.
743
00:51:51,314 --> 00:51:53,146
l can see that, but why?
744
00:51:53,274 --> 00:51:55,994
Because l'm gonna kill you.
745
00:51:56,675 --> 00:51:58,667
You are gonna kill me?
746
00:51:58,795 --> 00:52:02,346
Jesus, here we go again
with another one of your games.
747
00:52:02,476 --> 00:52:04,547
Another one? No, it's the same one.
748
00:52:04,677 --> 00:52:06,474
We've been playing it all evening.
lt's called,
749
00:52:06,597 --> 00:52:09,988
''You're going to die,
and no one will suspect murder.''
750
00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:16,712
You... You mean all that
steal the jewel stuff was just...
751
00:52:17,079 --> 00:52:20,629
l invited you around here to set up
the circumstances of your own death.
752
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:24,310
The break-in, the disguise,
jewels in your pocket,
753
00:52:24,441 --> 00:52:26,636
the house-holder aroused,
grappled with the thief,
754
00:52:26,761 --> 00:52:31,962
and gun going off during the struggle
and then the final fatal shot.
755
00:52:33,162 --> 00:52:36,235
Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake.
756
00:52:36,364 --> 00:52:38,958
-lt ain't funny no more.
-lt ain't, ain't it?
757
00:52:39,084 --> 00:52:41,996
-Can you find a flaw in it?
-Marguerite.
758
00:52:42,125 --> 00:52:44,320
The cops'll trace a connection
between Marguerite and me.
759
00:52:44,445 --> 00:52:46,437
-What nonsense.
-They'll know that's why you did it.
760
00:52:46,565 --> 00:52:47,999
How was l expected
to know who you were?
761
00:52:48,125 --> 00:52:49,844
The law will have
every sympathy for me.
762
00:52:49,966 --> 00:52:53,482
Property's always been more highly
regarded in England than people.
763
00:52:53,606 --> 00:52:54,926
Even Marguerite will
assume that you were,
764
00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:57,278
after all, just an adventurer
after her jewels.
765
00:52:57,408 --> 00:52:59,000
A petty sneak thief,
766
00:52:59,127 --> 00:53:03,041
who, in the end, found larceny
less burdensome than matrimony.
767
00:53:03,329 --> 00:53:07,039
The way you're finding murder
less burdensome than alimony?
768
00:53:07,730 --> 00:53:09,925
Wit in the face of adversity. Good!
769
00:53:10,050 --> 00:53:12,167
You've learnt something
from the English.
770
00:53:12,290 --> 00:53:13,610
And here's something else,
a sporting chance.
771
00:53:13,731 --> 00:53:14,925
Why don't you make a run for it?
772
00:53:15,051 --> 00:53:17,008
And give you the chance to shoot
me down in cold blood?
773
00:53:17,132 --> 00:53:19,487
Hot blood, you mean.
But l'll tell you what l'll do.
774
00:53:19,612 --> 00:53:21,763
l'll close my eyes,
and count up to 20 slowly.
775
00:53:21,892 --> 00:53:24,407
That should give you a reasonable
chance. Go on, Milo, off you go.
776
00:53:24,533 --> 00:53:25,682
One.
777
00:53:27,253 --> 00:53:28,606
One,
778
00:53:29,734 --> 00:53:30,883
two,
779
00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:32,603
three,
780
00:53:32,774 --> 00:53:33,969
four,
781
00:53:34,495 --> 00:53:35,724
five,
782
00:53:35,935 --> 00:53:37,129
six,
783
00:53:37,575 --> 00:53:38,691
seven,
784
00:53:39,136 --> 00:53:40,205
eight,
785
00:53:40,336 --> 00:53:41,530
nine,
786
00:53:41,936 --> 00:53:42,972
10,
787
00:53:43,216 --> 00:53:44,411
1 1 ,
788
00:53:44,817 --> 00:53:45,932
12,
789
00:53:46,377 --> 00:53:47,606
13,
790
00:53:47,978 --> 00:53:49,172
1 4,
791
00:53:49,578 --> 00:53:50,693
15,
792
00:53:51,138 --> 00:53:52,367
16,
793
00:53:52,739 --> 00:53:53,967
1 7,
794
00:53:54,539 --> 00:53:55,689
18,
795
00:53:56,099 --> 00:53:57,533
19,
796
00:53:58,100 --> 00:54:00,934
and a 20.
797
00:54:06,821 --> 00:54:10,292
-You left them in that beautiful coat.
-Oh, my God.
798
00:54:10,423 --> 00:54:13,176
Let's have you out of that car, shall we?
799
00:54:13,743 --> 00:54:16,895
Those lovely boots
back on again, please.
800
00:54:36,668 --> 00:54:38,898
Now, of course,
the only question left to be decided,
801
00:54:39,028 --> 00:54:41,020
is where the police shall find you.
802
00:54:41,909 --> 00:54:45,219
Of course, you could be lying
sprawled over the desk in the study,
803
00:54:45,350 --> 00:54:48,228
like countless colonels,
in countless studies,
804
00:54:48,350 --> 00:54:51,070
or propped up in the log basket
like a rag doll.
805
00:54:51,190 --> 00:54:54,547
Which do you fancy, early Agatha
Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine?
806
00:54:54,672 --> 00:54:57,140
For Christ's sake, Andrew,
you're talking of a murder!
807
00:54:57,272 --> 00:54:59,309
Of killing a real man!
Don't you understand?
808
00:54:59,432 --> 00:55:01,901
l shouldn't use a gun at all.
Perhaps best of all,
809
00:55:02,033 --> 00:55:04,706
a real 1930s murder weapon,
the mashie niblick.
810
00:55:04,913 --> 00:55:07,303
l've got one in my golf bag.
811
00:55:29,318 --> 00:55:32,152
Dear, old mashie niblick.
812
00:55:32,279 --> 00:55:37,195
l think you'll be found in the fireplace,
in a fair old mess.
813
00:55:37,320 --> 00:55:38,594
The body lay on its back.
814
00:55:38,720 --> 00:55:41,440
lts limbs, grotesquely splayed
like a broken puppet.
815
00:55:41,561 --> 00:55:46,113
The whole head had been pulped
as if by some supernatural force.
816
00:55:46,242 --> 00:55:49,120
''My God,''
breathed the lnspector, blanching.
817
00:55:49,242 --> 00:55:51,757
''Thompson, you'd better
get a tarpaulin.
818
00:55:51,883 --> 00:55:55,797
''Excuse me, sir, but was
all this violence, strictly necessary?''
819
00:55:55,924 --> 00:55:57,721
''l'm sorry, lnspector.
820
00:55:57,845 --> 00:56:00,200
''l'm afraid l lost control of myself
when l saw him
821
00:56:00,325 --> 00:56:02,885
''handling my wife's
intimate garments.''
822
00:56:03,165 --> 00:56:05,156
lt's too bloody elaborate.
l'll tell you what.
823
00:56:05,286 --> 00:56:07,800
l think the scene
the police find is simply this.
824
00:56:07,926 --> 00:56:11,363
After the fight, you flee up the stairs,
back to your ladder again.
825
00:56:11,487 --> 00:56:13,239
Go on, Milo, flee.
826
00:56:13,368 --> 00:56:14,721
Up you go.
827
00:56:16,168 --> 00:56:17,567
Up you go.
828
00:56:27,810 --> 00:56:29,880
l catch you on the landing,
829
00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:32,809
and in the renewed struggle,
l shoot you.
830
00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:37,801
Nothing succeeds like simplicity,
don't you agree, Milo?
831
00:56:37,932 --> 00:56:41,812
On the morning of his execution,
King Charles l put on two shirts.
832
00:56:42,573 --> 00:56:46,044
''lf l tremble with the cold,'' he said,
''my enemies will say it was from fear.
833
00:56:46,174 --> 00:56:49,850
''l will not expose myself
to such reproaches.''
834
00:56:49,975 --> 00:56:53,092
We must also
attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity,
835
00:56:53,216 --> 00:56:56,652
as you mount the steps to the scaffold.
836
00:56:58,336 --> 00:57:01,090
Look,
837
00:57:01,417 --> 00:57:04,888
l can't give anything back, can l?
838
00:57:06,698 --> 00:57:09,691
l mean, if it hadn't been me,
839
00:57:09,819 --> 00:57:12,174
it would've been somebody else.
840
00:57:13,499 --> 00:57:15,331
Please.
841
00:57:15,900 --> 00:57:18,050
l'll go away.
842
00:57:18,260 --> 00:57:21,094
You won't never hear of me, no more.
843
00:57:25,742 --> 00:57:27,858
Why, Andrew?
844
00:57:27,983 --> 00:57:30,052
Why me?
845
00:57:30,943 --> 00:57:32,058
Don't snivel.
846
00:57:32,183 --> 00:57:34,823
l must know why!
847
00:57:36,104 --> 00:57:39,495
l'm amazed you have to ask.
848
00:57:39,625 --> 00:57:41,617
l hate you.
849
00:57:42,106 --> 00:57:45,622
l hate your smarmy good looks,
and your easy manner.
850
00:57:45,746 --> 00:57:49,217
l'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge,
easy on a yacht, easy on a beach.
851
00:57:49,346 --> 00:57:52,578
l knew you'd wear a gold charm
round your neck.
852
00:57:52,708 --> 00:57:56,747
And l'll bet your chest is hairy,
and in summer, matted with sun oil.
853
00:57:56,868 --> 00:58:03,059
Above all, l hate you because
you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop.
854
00:58:03,229 --> 00:58:05,141
And not one of me.
855
00:58:05,270 --> 00:58:09,503
A creeping, hairdressing
seducer of silly women.
856
00:58:09,631 --> 00:58:14,626
A jumped-up pantry boy,
who doesn't know his place!
857
00:58:14,752 --> 00:58:20,783
Did you really believe
l'd give up my wife and jewellery to you?
858
00:58:20,913 --> 00:58:24,384
That l'd make myself that ridiculous?
859
00:58:26,154 --> 00:58:28,066
Why not?
860
00:58:28,194 --> 00:58:30,425
You're not in love with her.
861
00:58:30,555 --> 00:58:34,151
Whether l love her or not, l found her.
862
00:58:34,316 --> 00:58:36,148
l've kept her.
863
00:58:36,276 --> 00:58:38,996
She represents me.
864
00:58:39,117 --> 00:58:43,077
Once, she was in love with me.
865
00:58:46,718 --> 00:58:49,631
And now, she's in love with me.
866
00:58:49,759 --> 00:58:52,228
And that's what you
can't forgive, isn't it?
867
00:58:52,359 --> 00:58:55,558
And after me, there'll be others.
868
00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:57,911
You're gonna kill them, too?
869
00:58:58,041 --> 00:59:00,794
You're mad! You're a bloody madman!
870
00:59:00,922 --> 00:59:03,800
And you are a young man,
dressed as a clown,
871
00:59:03,922 --> 00:59:07,233
about to be murdered.
872
00:59:07,362 --> 00:59:10,196
Put the mask on, Milo.
-No, no.
873
00:59:10,323 --> 00:59:15,239
-Put it on.
-No, please.
874
00:59:15,365 --> 00:59:17,321
Put it on.
875
00:59:26,887 --> 00:59:30,880
Finally, at your moment of dying,
you are yourself.
876
00:59:31,008 --> 00:59:34,444
A snivelling, dago clown.
877
00:59:34,568 --> 00:59:36,160
Farewell.
878
00:59:36,289 --> 00:59:38,280
Puncinello.
879
00:59:38,409 --> 00:59:40,605
Please!
880
01:04:42,311 --> 01:04:43,539
Good evening, sir.
881
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:45,741
l was beginning to think
there was no one at home.
882
01:04:45,871 --> 01:04:48,261
lndeed. And who might you be?
883
01:04:48,392 --> 01:04:53,592
Detective lnspector Doppler, sir,
of the Wiltshire County Constabulary.
884
01:04:53,713 --> 01:04:57,627
l'm sorry to be calling so late,
but l need to have a few words with you
885
01:04:57,753 --> 01:05:00,222
on a very important matter.
886
01:05:00,354 --> 01:05:01,503
Better come in.
887
01:05:01,635 --> 01:05:03,944
Wiltshire County Constabulary,
you say?
888
01:05:04,075 --> 01:05:06,464
That's right, sir.
l'm normally based in Salisbury,
889
01:05:06,596 --> 01:05:11,625
but your local man here asked me
to pop over and give him a hand.
890
01:05:11,756 --> 01:05:15,067
Those were the days, sir.
Tunes you could hum.
891
01:05:15,197 --> 01:05:18,713
There's a time for humming, lnspector.
Would you care for an aquavit?
892
01:05:18,838 --> 01:05:21,717
-No thank you, sir. l've had my supper.
-Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy,
893
01:05:21,839 --> 01:05:23,431
or are you going to tell me
you never drink on duty?
894
01:05:23,799 --> 01:05:26,268
No, sir. l always drink on duty.
895
01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:29,676
l can't afford to on my own time.
896
01:05:29,801 --> 01:05:31,280
Caviar.
897
01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,710
So that's what that looks like.
898
01:05:33,921 --> 01:05:36,276
l've often wondered.
899
01:05:43,723 --> 01:05:47,273
Can't say l care for it all that much, sir.
900
01:05:48,564 --> 01:05:51,125
Tastes like fish eggs.
901
01:05:51,245 --> 01:05:52,234
Fancy.
902
01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:56,358
Now, let me take that nasty taste away
with a splendid brandy.
903
01:05:56,486 --> 01:05:59,047
Do follow me, won't you, lnspector?
904
01:06:05,167 --> 01:06:09,286
These old antiques
are very interesting, sir.
905
01:06:10,648 --> 01:06:14,562
You have quite a collection of toys.
906
01:06:14,690 --> 01:06:18,239
Autometer, lnspector. And they all work.
907
01:06:18,370 --> 01:06:22,046
l wouldn't have thought there was much
point in having them if they didn't, sir.
908
01:06:22,171 --> 01:06:27,006
And now, as the cliché has it,
what can l do for you, lnspector?
909
01:06:27,212 --> 01:06:32,367
l am investigating the disappearance
of a Mr Milo Tindle.
910
01:06:32,573 --> 01:06:34,131
Do you know him, sir?
911
01:06:34,253 --> 01:06:36,643
Vaguely.
912
01:06:38,055 --> 01:06:42,014
He walked out of his cottage
late last Friday afternoon
913
01:06:42,135 --> 01:06:44,491
and hasn't been seen since.
914
01:06:44,615 --> 01:06:46,607
Really, l'm afraid
l'm not very much interested
915
01:06:46,736 --> 01:06:49,615
in the migratory habits of hair dressers.
916
01:06:49,737 --> 01:06:51,534
So you do
know the gentleman then, sir?
917
01:06:51,657 --> 01:06:53,694
Well, l know his profession.
918
01:06:53,817 --> 01:06:57,128
l think my wife has mentioned
he had a shop in London.
919
01:06:57,258 --> 01:07:00,296
When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir?
920
01:07:00,418 --> 01:07:02,774
Some months ago.
l wouldn't remember, exactly.
921
01:07:02,900 --> 01:07:04,378
l'd have no reason to, really.
922
01:07:04,499 --> 01:07:08,129
That doesn't quite
accord with our information.
923
01:07:08,261 --> 01:07:13,893
l wonder if you could put some water
in this brandy for me please, sir?
924
01:07:14,022 --> 01:07:16,410
ln fact, two nights ago,
925
01:07:16,542 --> 01:07:19,774
he told Jack Benn,
the licensee of the White Lion,
926
01:07:19,902 --> 01:07:21,734
he was on his way up to see you.
927
01:07:21,863 --> 01:07:24,617
Barmen are notorious opponents
of exactitude, lnspector.
928
01:07:24,744 --> 01:07:26,939
Vinous gossip is their stock in trade.
929
01:07:27,064 --> 01:07:29,704
Vinous, as pertaining to wine,
l assume, sir.
930
01:07:29,825 --> 01:07:31,736
Very good.
931
01:07:42,908 --> 01:07:44,899
And l was wondering
if there was something else
932
01:07:45,028 --> 01:07:48,066
-you could correct for me, sir.
-What is that?
933
01:07:48,188 --> 01:07:49,588
The impression, gained by a man,
934
01:07:49,708 --> 01:07:52,747
who happened to be passing
your house on Friday night.
935
01:07:52,869 --> 01:07:56,943
-That shots were fired in here.
-Shots?
936
01:07:57,070 --> 01:07:59,141
Three, our man thinks.
937
01:07:59,271 --> 01:08:01,740
-A car backfiring?
-Oh, no, sir.
938
01:08:01,871 --> 01:08:04,511
l'm afraid that sort of
occurrence only comes in,
939
01:08:04,632 --> 01:08:07,385
saving your presence, sir,
detective stories.
940
01:08:07,512 --> 01:08:10,630
No, these were shots from a gun.
Our man is positive.
941
01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:11,742
l see.
942
01:08:11,874 --> 01:08:14,752
May l ask why you've taken two days
to come round and ask me
943
01:08:14,874 --> 01:08:18,184
-about all this?
-Well, sir, these things
944
01:08:18,315 --> 01:08:22,274
always take a little longer
to check out than you think.
945
01:08:22,555 --> 01:08:27,152
Your local man wanted to be sure
of his facts before calling me in
946
01:08:27,276 --> 01:08:30,314
and before troubling
a gentleman like yourself.
947
01:08:30,437 --> 01:08:34,113
-Facts? What facts?
-Well, after our informant
948
01:08:34,238 --> 01:08:39,267
had reported the incident,
we thought we'd better
949
01:08:39,399 --> 01:08:41,196
have a word with Mr Tindle
950
01:08:41,319 --> 01:08:44,198
to see if he could
throw any light on the subject.
951
01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:49,031
And could he? The way to turn that off
is to press that stop in, lnspector.
952
01:08:50,201 --> 01:08:52,157
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
953
01:08:52,402 --> 01:08:58,000
He wasn't at his cottage,
all day Saturday, nor all day today.
954
01:08:58,843 --> 01:09:02,678
We must've called there
at least half a dozen times.
955
01:09:02,803 --> 01:09:05,602
By Jove, sir.
Merridew would've been proud of you.
956
01:09:06,844 --> 01:09:09,120
Your detective, sir.
957
01:09:09,244 --> 01:09:12,283
That's praise, indeed, sir.
l'm a great fan of his lordship.
958
01:09:12,405 --> 01:09:13,680
Are you really?
959
01:09:13,806 --> 01:09:15,205
Well, you must tell me
which is your favourite.
960
01:09:15,326 --> 01:09:17,079
l, myself, have always
had a special affection
961
01:09:17,247 --> 01:09:18,565
for The Case of the Crucified Countess.
962
01:09:18,687 --> 01:09:21,679
When we stepped inside
Mr Tindle's cottage
963
01:09:21,808 --> 01:09:25,244
to make sure
that no harm had come to him,
964
01:09:25,368 --> 01:09:27,758
we found this, sir.
965
01:09:27,889 --> 01:09:29,686
''Urgent we talk.
966
01:09:29,809 --> 01:09:33,485
''Come on Friday evening, about 6:30.
967
01:09:33,610 --> 01:09:34,804
''Wyke.''
968
01:09:34,930 --> 01:09:38,321
May l ask, is this your handwriting, sir?
969
01:09:38,451 --> 01:09:42,330
-Yes, it's mine, all right.
-So Mr Tindle was here then, sir.
970
01:09:42,451 --> 01:09:45,091
-He was.
-And was there an incident
971
01:09:45,212 --> 01:09:49,172
two nights ago, as a result of which
shots were fired?
972
01:09:49,293 --> 01:09:52,888
ln a manner of speaking.
lt was a game we were playing.
973
01:09:53,053 --> 01:09:56,171
A game, sir? What kind of game?
974
01:09:56,294 --> 01:10:01,893
-lt's called ''burglary''.
-Burglary is not a game, sir.
975
01:10:02,776 --> 01:10:04,892
lsn't it about time you told me,
976
01:10:05,016 --> 01:10:07,770
l don't know
the seriousness of my position?
977
01:10:07,896 --> 01:10:12,335
A man comes here. Shots are heard.
He has disappeared.
978
01:10:12,458 --> 01:10:15,177
Now, what would you make out of that,
if you were me, sir?
979
01:10:15,298 --> 01:10:16,777
An open and shut case,
980
01:10:16,899 --> 01:10:18,890
but things are not always
what they seem, lnspector.
981
01:10:19,019 --> 01:10:20,293
Why, in
The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,
982
01:10:20,420 --> 01:10:25,096
-your favourite, Lord Merridew...
-l am waiting for an explanation, sir.
983
01:10:26,341 --> 01:10:30,493
Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30
and left about an hour and a half later.
984
01:10:30,622 --> 01:10:34,331
-l have not seen him since.
-And nor has any one else, sir.
985
01:10:34,462 --> 01:10:38,695
But this is absurd.
You're not suggesting l killed Tindle?
986
01:10:38,823 --> 01:10:42,338
Killed Tindle, sir?
l never mentioned the word ''kill''.
987
01:10:42,464 --> 01:10:46,059
Come now, lnspector.
You can't pull that old one on me.
988
01:10:46,184 --> 01:10:50,815
''Garrotted, sir. May l ask how you knew
her ladyship had been garrotted?''
989
01:10:50,946 --> 01:10:52,617
''Surely, you told me so, lnspector.''
990
01:10:52,746 --> 01:10:56,376
''No, sir.
l never mentioned the word garrotted.''
991
01:10:56,626 --> 01:11:01,747
l am sorry you find us so comic, sir.
On the whole, what we do is necessary.
992
01:11:01,867 --> 01:11:04,666
You're just doing your job
is the overworked phrase, isn't it?
993
01:11:04,789 --> 01:11:09,385
Possibly, sir. Very possibly.
The overworked phrase that is, yeah.
994
01:11:09,509 --> 01:11:13,264
Your wife and Mr Tindle
have been associating closely
995
01:11:13,390 --> 01:11:16,110
-for some time, sir.
-l thought you'd know about that.
996
01:11:16,231 --> 01:11:19,223
You can't keep anything quiet
in a small village.
997
01:11:19,391 --> 01:11:21,110
Perfectly true, sir.
998
01:11:21,231 --> 01:11:23,462
You're not suggesting
a crime passionnel?
999
01:11:23,592 --> 01:11:25,902
l do hope. Not with Marguerite.
Oh, God.
1000
01:11:26,032 --> 01:11:27,989
That'd be like knifing somebody
for the sake
1001
01:11:28,113 --> 01:11:30,991
of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding.
1002
01:11:31,154 --> 01:11:34,510
l'm very partial to rice pudding, sir.
1003
01:11:34,634 --> 01:11:38,310
-l find it a great standby.
-That's perfect.
1004
01:11:38,436 --> 01:11:41,314
''All of you had either the means,
motive or opportunity,''
1005
01:11:41,435 --> 01:11:43,745
said lnspector Doppler,
as he thoughtfully digested
1006
01:11:43,876 --> 01:11:49,235
another spoonful of his favourite pud.
''But only one of you had all three.''
1007
01:11:49,357 --> 01:11:53,955
Exactly so, sir, and that person is you.
1008
01:11:56,599 --> 01:11:58,590
l suppose
l better tell you what happened.
1009
01:11:58,719 --> 01:12:00,072
That would be helpful, sir.
1010
01:12:00,200 --> 01:12:02,270
Perhaps another drink
would be helpful, too.
1011
01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:06,633
l'd love another drink, sir, but l think
you'll find that the bottle is empty.
1012
01:12:06,761 --> 01:12:09,037
Quite right, lnspector.
That, too, can be corrected.
1013
01:12:09,161 --> 01:12:11,198
Do come with me, won't you?
1014
01:12:11,322 --> 01:12:12,995
Now, as you seem to know,
1015
01:12:13,122 --> 01:12:15,317
Tindle was having an affair
with my wife.
1016
01:12:15,443 --> 01:12:17,274
Now, l belong to that rare breed of men
1017
01:12:17,403 --> 01:12:19,520
who genuinely don't mind
losing gracefully
1018
01:12:19,644 --> 01:12:21,919
to a gentleman who plays the game
by the same rules.
1019
01:12:22,044 --> 01:12:25,720
But to be worsted by a flash,
crypto-ltalian lover boy,
1020
01:12:25,845 --> 01:12:30,636
who mistakes my indifference
for inadequacy is altogether too much!
1021
01:12:30,846 --> 01:12:33,919
You mean you couldn't bring yourself
to accept the situation, sir?
1022
01:12:34,046 --> 01:12:35,035
ls that what you're saying?
1023
01:12:35,167 --> 01:12:39,400
l mean, it was a situation l refused
to accept, lnspector.
1024
01:12:42,623 --> 01:12:46,333
Playing the game is very
important to you, is it, sir?
1025
01:12:46,464 --> 01:12:49,342
Playing the game
and games playing, yes, lnspector.
1026
01:12:49,585 --> 01:12:51,496
l'm not quite sure
l see the difference, sir.
1027
01:12:51,625 --> 01:12:53,855
lt's perfectly simple, lnspector.
1028
01:12:53,986 --> 01:12:56,500
Playing the game
is what every gentleman does.
1029
01:12:56,626 --> 01:12:59,699
Playing of particular games
is my special passion.
1030
01:12:59,826 --> 01:13:03,662
ln a way, my whole life.
1031
01:13:09,268 --> 01:13:11,737
That sounds a bit sad to me, sir.
1032
01:13:11,869 --> 01:13:13,222
Like a child not growing up.
1033
01:13:13,350 --> 01:13:16,467
What's so sad
about a child playing, lnspector?
1034
01:13:16,870 --> 01:13:19,943
Nothing, sir, if you're a child.
1035
01:13:21,351 --> 01:13:22,500
Let me tell you, lnspector,
1036
01:13:22,631 --> 01:13:25,942
l have played games of such complexity
that Jung and Einstein
1037
01:13:26,072 --> 01:13:29,224
would've been proud to have been
asked to participate in them.
1038
01:13:29,352 --> 01:13:33,266
l have achieved flights of the mind
and flights of the psyche
1039
01:13:33,394 --> 01:13:35,862
unknown in ordinary
human relationships.
1040
01:13:35,994 --> 01:13:41,308
And l've had a very great deal
of not altogether innocent fun.
1041
01:13:45,997 --> 01:13:48,669
ls there nothing
you would not consider a game, sir?
1042
01:13:48,797 --> 01:13:51,312
Duty, work, even marriage?
1043
01:13:51,557 --> 01:13:53,912
Please, lnspector.
Don't include marriage.
1044
01:13:54,038 --> 01:13:58,554
Sex! Sex is the game.
Marriage, the penalty.
1045
01:13:59,799 --> 01:14:03,235
Round and round,
we jog towards each futile anniversary.
1046
01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:06,477
Pass go. Collect two hundred rows,
1047
01:14:06,601 --> 01:14:09,717
two hundred silences,
two hundred scars.
1048
01:14:09,841 --> 01:14:11,194
ln the deep places.
1049
01:14:11,321 --> 01:14:15,315
Are you saying, sir, that because
of your indifference to your wife,
1050
01:14:15,442 --> 01:14:18,081
you had no motive
for murdering Mr Tindle?
1051
01:14:18,203 --> 01:14:20,842
l'm simply saying, lnspector,
that in common with most men,
1052
01:14:20,963 --> 01:14:24,115
l want to have my cookie and ignore it.
1053
01:14:24,364 --> 01:14:26,719
That was rather witty, l thought.
1054
01:14:28,004 --> 01:14:30,075
And what have we here, sir?
1055
01:14:30,405 --> 01:14:32,760
lt's just an old dressing up basket.
That's all.
1056
01:14:32,925 --> 01:14:38,284
A traditional place of concealment,
l'm sure you'll agree.
1057
01:14:38,967 --> 01:14:41,686
Only of the identity, lnspector.
1058
01:14:43,127 --> 01:14:45,198
ln a game.
1059
01:14:45,328 --> 01:14:46,967
Shall we go?
1060
01:14:49,609 --> 01:14:52,077
-Shall we go?
-Yes, sir.
1061
01:14:52,210 --> 01:14:53,723
Coming.
1062
01:14:58,451 --> 01:15:01,967
Anyway, l thought l'd teach
young master Tindle a lesson
1063
01:15:02,092 --> 01:15:04,731
for his presumption.
Test his mettle, as it were.
1064
01:15:04,852 --> 01:15:07,003
You may not agree with this, lnspector,
but you take it from me.
1065
01:15:07,132 --> 01:15:09,852
The shortest way to a man's heart
is through humiliation.
1066
01:15:09,973 --> 01:15:13,170
You soon find out what he's made of.
1067
01:15:13,294 --> 01:15:16,684
And how did you plan
to go about this humiliation, sir?
1068
01:15:16,815 --> 01:15:20,775
To begin with, by convincing him that
as my wife has expensive tastes,
1069
01:15:20,895 --> 01:15:22,454
and he was virtually a pauper,
1070
01:15:22,576 --> 01:15:27,127
he could solve that problem
by stealing some valuable jewellery,
1071
01:15:27,257 --> 01:15:30,010
which l had in my safe.
1072
01:15:33,578 --> 01:15:37,332
l further persuaded him to take off
his clothes and wear a disguise.
1073
01:15:37,459 --> 01:15:39,017
Appropriately enough, he chose,
1074
01:15:39,139 --> 01:15:41,573
out of that basket you examined,
the costume of a clown.
1075
01:15:41,700 --> 01:15:46,330
ln that ludicrous outfit, he broke
into the house and blew open my safe.
1076
01:15:48,061 --> 01:15:50,700
The jewels were in this box.
1077
01:15:55,983 --> 01:15:58,372
Good thinking, lnspector.
1078
01:16:03,224 --> 01:16:05,659
-Bravo.
-And where are they now, sir?
1079
01:16:05,784 --> 01:16:07,821
l put them in the bank, yesterday.
1080
01:16:07,945 --> 01:16:10,221
-On a Saturday?
-Yes, lnspector, on a Saturday.
1081
01:16:10,345 --> 01:16:12,734
l drove over to Salisbury
and l put them in the night safe.
1082
01:16:12,866 --> 01:16:15,016
How very provident, sir.
1083
01:16:15,146 --> 01:16:18,378
May l ask what you did
after he blew the safe open?
1084
01:16:18,507 --> 01:16:20,145
Tindle pocketed the jewels.
1085
01:16:20,268 --> 01:16:23,101
We struggled convincingly
around the house as part of the game,
1086
01:16:23,228 --> 01:16:26,380
and he was about to make off,
when l turned nasty and revealed
1087
01:16:26,509 --> 01:16:28,067
the true purpose of the evening.
1088
01:16:28,189 --> 01:16:30,146
This was, of course,
that l had manoeuvred him
1089
01:16:30,270 --> 01:16:33,228
into a position where, by pretending
to mistake him for a burglar,
1090
01:16:33,350 --> 01:16:36,468
l could legitimately shoot him.
1091
01:16:36,591 --> 01:16:40,903
When you revealed your intentions, sir,
1092
01:16:41,032 --> 01:16:43,148
what was Mr Tindle's reaction?
1093
01:16:43,272 --> 01:16:44,466
Electrifying!
1094
01:16:44,593 --> 01:16:46,424
He swallowed my story,
hook, line and sinker.
1095
01:16:46,553 --> 01:16:48,908
He fell to his knees
and pleaded for his life,
1096
01:16:49,033 --> 01:16:51,992
but l was implacable.
l put the gun against his head
1097
01:16:52,114 --> 01:16:54,628
and shot him
1098
01:16:54,834 --> 01:16:57,474
with a blank cartridge.
1099
01:17:00,595 --> 01:17:03,906
You shot Mr Tindle
with a blank cartridge, sir?
1100
01:17:04,036 --> 01:17:05,868
Fainted, dead away.
1101
01:17:05,997 --> 01:17:07,794
So my game was over.
1102
01:17:07,997 --> 01:17:10,751
lt was a most gratifying one.
1103
01:17:10,958 --> 01:17:16,113
You actually put a gun to his head
and pulled the trigger
1104
01:17:16,239 --> 01:17:18,514
as a game?
1105
01:17:18,719 --> 01:17:21,678
Call it his initiation test, if you like.
1106
01:17:21,880 --> 01:17:24,030
He came here aping the gentry,
1107
01:17:24,160 --> 01:17:25,992
hoping for acceptance,
but he had to be taught.
1108
01:17:26,121 --> 01:17:29,319
You don't join just like that.
1109
01:17:29,441 --> 01:17:34,392
There's such a thing as breeding!
The quality that breeding brings.
1110
01:17:34,522 --> 01:17:36,593
lt cannot be acquired.
1111
01:17:36,723 --> 01:17:38,714
Of course, he failed his test abysmally.
1112
01:17:38,844 --> 01:17:40,959
He may well have done, sir,
1113
01:17:41,084 --> 01:17:44,998
but he also must have been put
in fear of his life.
1114
01:17:46,245 --> 01:17:50,397
Such irresponsible action
warrants a serious charge of assault.
1115
01:17:51,046 --> 01:17:53,276
l suppose that's marginally better
than the charge of murder
1116
01:17:53,407 --> 01:17:55,602
you were contemplating
a few minutes ago.
1117
01:17:55,767 --> 01:17:57,325
l still am contemplating it, sir.
1118
01:17:57,447 --> 01:17:59,518
Come now, lnspector,
l told you what happened.
1119
01:17:59,647 --> 01:18:01,240
After a few minutes,
he came to his senses,
1120
01:18:01,368 --> 01:18:03,598
realised shrewdly
that he wasn't dead after all,
1121
01:18:03,728 --> 01:18:07,358
and after only a few too many brandies,
lurched off home.
1122
01:18:07,569 --> 01:18:11,085
l'm sorry you appear
to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke.
1123
01:18:12,370 --> 01:18:15,249
We may not take
quite the same attitude.
1124
01:18:16,211 --> 01:18:17,963
Now, look here.
1125
01:18:19,252 --> 01:18:21,083
Why can't you see this
from my point of view?
1126
01:18:21,212 --> 01:18:24,443
ln a sense, Tindle was a burglar.
He was stealing my wife, wasn't he?
1127
01:18:24,573 --> 01:18:26,962
Which justified your torturing
and then murdering him, sir?
1128
01:18:27,093 --> 01:18:29,288
Of course not. Don't you see?
lt was a game.
1129
01:18:29,414 --> 01:18:32,133
-Just a bloody game.
-Bloody indeed, sir.
1130
01:18:32,255 --> 01:18:34,689
l achieved what l set out to do,
and that was all.
1131
01:18:34,814 --> 01:18:36,089
You may well
have achieved murder, sir.
1132
01:18:36,215 --> 01:18:37,933
-No.
-l believe so, sir.
1133
01:18:38,135 --> 01:18:40,696
No, l told you everything that happened.
1134
01:18:40,816 --> 01:18:42,613
Would you mind
if l had a look around, sir?
1135
01:18:42,736 --> 01:18:44,647
Crawl about on all fours, if you like.
1136
01:18:44,777 --> 01:18:47,245
Get out your envelope
and imprison hairs.
1137
01:18:47,378 --> 01:18:50,495
Gather ye blunt instruments
while ye may.
1138
01:18:56,019 --> 01:19:00,252
Now, l ask myself,
if l wanted to conceal Tindle's body,
1139
01:19:00,380 --> 01:19:03,452
where would l put it?
1140
01:19:03,581 --> 01:19:07,733
ln my good friend,
Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor.
1141
01:19:26,385 --> 01:19:28,945
Very amusing, sir.
1142
01:19:29,065 --> 01:19:30,784
May l ask how you did that?
1143
01:19:30,906 --> 01:19:33,625
No.
Jolly Jack and l have our little secret.
1144
01:19:33,827 --> 01:19:38,105
Then may l ask
how you made those holes in the wall?
1145
01:19:38,228 --> 01:19:40,059
That one over there.
1146
01:19:40,188 --> 01:19:42,463
And this one over here.
1147
01:19:44,629 --> 01:19:48,542
-They look like bullet holes to me, sir.
-Quite right, lnspector.
1148
01:19:48,670 --> 01:19:49,739
So they are.
1149
01:19:49,870 --> 01:19:53,705
l understood you, sir,
say that you used a blank.
1150
01:19:53,950 --> 01:19:57,740
Two live bullets to set up the trick
and one blank to complete it.
1151
01:19:57,872 --> 01:19:59,783
l had to persuade Tindle
l was in earnest.
1152
01:19:59,952 --> 01:20:01,351
l see, sir.
1153
01:20:01,512 --> 01:20:02,866
One blank.
1154
01:20:03,033 --> 01:20:04,625
Then would you
just show me please, sir,
1155
01:20:04,753 --> 01:20:07,552
where Mr Tindle was
when you killed him?
1156
01:20:08,954 --> 01:20:12,105
-Pretended to kill him, you mean.
-Quite so.
1157
01:20:12,314 --> 01:20:16,103
Then would you show me exactly
where he was when the bullet hit him?
1158
01:20:16,236 --> 01:20:18,675
l keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
1159
01:20:18,675 --> 01:20:19,552
l keep telling you,
it was not a real bullet.
1160
01:20:19,756 --> 01:20:22,350
So you do, sir. So you do.
1161
01:20:22,597 --> 01:20:27,625
Very well, then. Where was he
when the blank cartridge was fired?
1162
01:20:27,798 --> 01:20:30,232
He was standing,
or l should say kneeling,
1163
01:20:30,358 --> 01:20:33,669
or, more accurately, cowering here.
1164
01:20:39,720 --> 01:20:41,676
About here you say, sir?
1165
01:20:41,801 --> 01:20:43,871
Two steps down.
1166
01:20:45,961 --> 01:20:46,997
That's it.
1167
01:20:47,122 --> 01:20:49,761
Were you close to Mr Tindle
when you fired the gun?
1168
01:20:49,883 --> 01:20:53,193
Very. l was standing over him, in fact,
with the gun against his head.
1169
01:20:53,323 --> 01:20:55,553
You see,
it was the actual feel of the gun,
1170
01:20:55,683 --> 01:20:59,438
coupled with the noise
of the explosion that did the trick.
1171
01:21:12,687 --> 01:21:15,997
The traditional tool
of your trade, lnspector?
1172
01:21:56,175 --> 01:21:58,212
Joke blood, sir?
1173
01:22:01,297 --> 01:22:03,492
l don't think l quite follow, lnspector.
1174
01:22:03,617 --> 01:22:06,655
Here. On the banisters,
1175
01:22:06,777 --> 01:22:09,418
and underneath the carpet.
1176
01:22:14,019 --> 01:22:17,490
-lt's dry blood, sir.
-Blood?
1177
01:22:17,620 --> 01:22:19,338
Where?
1178
01:22:25,861 --> 01:22:28,092
Don't touch it.
1179
01:22:28,223 --> 01:22:30,338
That's dried blood, all right.
1180
01:22:30,463 --> 01:22:32,294
Some more, over here.
1181
01:22:32,423 --> 01:22:35,017
Someone's been rubbing the carpet,
you see that?
1182
01:22:35,144 --> 01:22:36,418
Deep in the pile.
1183
01:22:37,064 --> 01:22:38,942
That's blood, sir.
1184
01:22:41,265 --> 01:22:43,176
lt's still damp.
1185
01:22:44,385 --> 01:22:47,344
Will you explain to me
how that got there?
1186
01:22:47,466 --> 01:22:49,422
l have no idea.
1187
01:22:49,547 --> 01:22:52,937
Tindle wasn't wounded
or hurt in any way.
1188
01:22:53,067 --> 01:22:55,058
You must believe me.
1189
01:22:56,868 --> 01:23:01,067
With real bullets and real blood?
1190
01:23:01,189 --> 01:23:05,706
lsn't it about time
we stopped talking about games, sir?
1191
01:23:05,829 --> 01:23:07,866
Look! Look at the window.
1192
01:23:07,990 --> 01:23:11,506
There, you can see the pane of glass
he cut out in order to break in.
1193
01:23:11,631 --> 01:23:14,510
And down there, the imprint
of the ladder in the flower bed
1194
01:23:14,631 --> 01:23:18,307
and the size 28 boots, or whatever
the hell it was he was wearing.
1195
01:23:18,432 --> 01:23:19,581
Look, l can show you.
1196
01:23:19,712 --> 01:23:22,432
Over the years my eyes
have been adequately trained
1197
01:23:22,553 --> 01:23:24,943
-to see things for themselves, sir.
-l'm sure they have, lnspector.
1198
01:23:25,073 --> 01:23:28,749
l'm just trying to point out a few facts
to substantiate my story.
1199
01:23:28,874 --> 01:23:32,311
Like the blown safe
l showed you in the study
1200
01:23:32,435 --> 01:23:35,586
and like the dressing up basket
you found in the cellar.
1201
01:23:35,716 --> 01:23:40,188
You say that Mr Tindle
disguised himself as a clown.
1202
01:23:40,316 --> 01:23:43,867
l saw no such costume in that basket,
1203
01:23:43,997 --> 01:23:47,434
nor have you pointed out
that mound of earth in the garden,
1204
01:23:47,558 --> 01:23:50,949
-have you, sir?
-Mound of earth?
1205
01:23:53,159 --> 01:23:55,196
What mound of earth?
1206
01:23:55,320 --> 01:23:58,313
That one over by the far wall.
1207
01:23:58,440 --> 01:24:00,636
ln the shade of that cedar tree.
1208
01:24:00,761 --> 01:24:04,755
-l can't see anything.
-Well, it's there, all right.
1209
01:24:04,881 --> 01:24:08,352
l saw it before l rang your bell.
1210
01:24:08,483 --> 01:24:11,600
l think we'd better go
and have a look at it.
1211
01:24:23,005 --> 01:24:24,917
Together, sir.
1212
01:24:45,170 --> 01:24:46,398
Here we are, sir.
1213
01:24:46,531 --> 01:24:51,082
Now, would you say
that had been freshly dug, sir?
1214
01:24:51,212 --> 01:24:52,200
How do l know?
1215
01:24:52,332 --> 01:24:54,607
lt's probably something
the gardener's been doing. Ask him.
1216
01:24:54,732 --> 01:24:56,529
You'll find him somewhere,
maundering about,
1217
01:24:56,652 --> 01:24:59,689
aching for an opportunity
to slander his employer. They all do.
1218
01:24:59,813 --> 01:25:02,374
For my part, l've always found
1219
01:25:02,494 --> 01:25:05,133
that gardeners make
excellent witnesses.
1220
01:25:05,254 --> 01:25:08,451
They're slow,
they're methodical, and they're positive.
1221
01:25:08,575 --> 01:25:11,534
lnspector, l've had just
about enough of this farce.
1222
01:25:11,655 --> 01:25:15,775
Do you really think l'd be fool enough
to bury Tindle out here, in the garden,
1223
01:25:15,896 --> 01:25:18,889
leaving all that newly turned earth
for everyone to find?
1224
01:25:19,017 --> 01:25:21,372
lf you weren't expecting us, sir, yes.
1225
01:25:21,497 --> 01:25:22,772
ln a couple of weeks,
1226
01:25:22,897 --> 01:25:25,731
with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs,
1227
01:25:25,858 --> 01:25:29,295
it'd be very difficult
to tell it had ever been disturbed.
1228
01:25:29,419 --> 01:25:32,729
We in the police force
know just how fond murderers are
1229
01:25:32,860 --> 01:25:34,691
of their back gardens, sir.
1230
01:25:34,820 --> 01:25:36,970
One's as near a murderer's heart
in the garden
1231
01:25:37,101 --> 01:25:39,615
as anywhere else on earth, lnspector?
1232
01:25:39,741 --> 01:25:41,413
Excepting the bedroom, sir.
1233
01:25:41,541 --> 01:25:44,818
l think you'll find that's still the favourite.
1234
01:26:07,867 --> 01:26:11,064
There's no mistaking
whose room this is, sir?
1235
01:26:17,428 --> 01:26:19,420
My wife showers.
1236
01:26:19,549 --> 01:26:21,221
l bathe.
1237
01:26:52,156 --> 01:26:56,150
Clothing all screwed up
on the floor of the wardrobe.
1238
01:26:56,276 --> 01:26:58,472
That's not like you, sir.
1239
01:27:00,117 --> 01:27:04,350
Here's an interesting monogram. l W.
1240
01:27:04,478 --> 01:27:07,232
Or have l got this the wrong way up?
1241
01:27:08,959 --> 01:27:12,031
M T.
1242
01:27:12,160 --> 01:27:13,957
Let me see that.
1243
01:27:18,121 --> 01:27:22,081
Made by Owen and Tancredi
of Percy Street.
1244
01:27:22,242 --> 01:27:25,871
For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12.
1245
01:27:26,683 --> 01:27:28,002
Tell me, sir.
1246
01:27:28,123 --> 01:27:31,594
When Mr Tindle lurched off,
as you put it,
1247
01:27:31,724 --> 01:27:34,478
did he lurch naked?
1248
01:27:34,604 --> 01:27:38,439
And did he subsequently lurch naked
through the streets of the village?
1249
01:27:38,565 --> 01:27:41,239
He changed back
before he left into these clothes.
1250
01:27:41,365 --> 01:27:44,119
Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle
1251
01:27:44,246 --> 01:27:47,000
changed into the clown's costume
in the cellar?
1252
01:27:47,126 --> 01:27:48,925
-Yes.
-Another part
1253
01:27:49,047 --> 01:27:52,324
of the humiliation process, l suppose.
1254
01:27:52,448 --> 01:27:56,124
Then someone must have
carried his clothing up from the cellar,
1255
01:27:56,249 --> 01:27:57,682
and placed them in this wardrobe.
1256
01:27:57,809 --> 01:28:00,165
-l did.
-Why?
1257
01:28:00,289 --> 01:28:02,326
Because l thought they'd be better off
in a wardrobe
1258
01:28:02,450 --> 01:28:05,601
than a dusty old cellar.
More convenient.
1259
01:28:05,731 --> 01:28:08,529
All screwed up on the floor
of a wardrobe? Why?
1260
01:28:08,651 --> 01:28:10,801
l didn't think it wouldn't be long before
he'd be changing back.
1261
01:28:10,932 --> 01:28:14,641
-lt's all so baffling.
-Not at all, sir.
1262
01:28:15,733 --> 01:28:18,725
You threw those clothes
on the floor of the wardrobe
1263
01:28:18,853 --> 01:28:22,642
because you knew that Mr Tindle
would not be needing them again.
1264
01:28:22,774 --> 01:28:24,969
Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it?
1265
01:28:25,095 --> 01:28:29,293
He changed back before he left
and wore them when he went away.
1266
01:28:29,415 --> 01:28:31,771
l think you started this
1267
01:28:31,896 --> 01:28:34,490
exactly as you say you did.
1268
01:28:34,616 --> 01:28:39,486
As a game, in order to play
a diabolical trick on Mr Tindle,
1269
01:28:39,618 --> 01:28:40,937
but that it went wrong.
1270
01:28:41,058 --> 01:28:44,494
Your third shot was not a blank
as you had supposed,
1271
01:28:44,619 --> 01:28:47,532
but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle
1272
01:28:47,659 --> 01:28:49,537
stone dead!
1273
01:28:49,660 --> 01:28:53,779
Spattering blood
on the banisters in the process.
1274
01:28:53,900 --> 01:28:57,610
Then, when you realised
what you'd done,
1275
01:28:57,741 --> 01:28:59,220
you simply panicked,
1276
01:28:59,341 --> 01:29:01,412
like a thousand murderers before you,
1277
01:29:01,542 --> 01:29:04,932
and buried the corpse in the garden.
1278
01:29:05,063 --> 01:29:06,655
lt was very silly of you
1279
01:29:06,783 --> 01:29:09,456
not to clean the blood
properly off the banisters
1280
01:29:09,584 --> 01:29:13,214
-and burn his clothes.
-l swear, Tindle left here alive!
1281
01:29:13,344 --> 01:29:15,734
At the risk of appearing facetious, sir,
1282
01:29:15,864 --> 01:29:17,776
you had better tell that to the judge.
1283
01:29:17,905 --> 01:29:19,737
Look, there's only one way
of dealing with this.
1284
01:29:19,866 --> 01:29:21,219
lf you think Tindle's out in the garden,
1285
01:29:21,346 --> 01:29:23,462
for Christ's sake,
why don't you go dig him up?
1286
01:29:23,666 --> 01:29:25,259
We don't need to find him, sir.
1287
01:29:25,387 --> 01:29:28,299
lf Mr Tindle is not beneath
that newly turned earth,
1288
01:29:28,428 --> 01:29:30,895
it would merely go to indicate
that in your panic
1289
01:29:31,028 --> 01:29:32,620
you first thought of putting him there,
1290
01:29:32,748 --> 01:29:34,944
changed your mind
and buried him somewhere else.
1291
01:29:35,069 --> 01:29:37,139
-Where?
-That's not important, sir.
1292
01:29:37,269 --> 01:29:38,907
He'll turn up, sooner or later.
1293
01:29:39,030 --> 01:29:42,022
And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters.
1294
01:29:42,150 --> 01:29:44,870
We have your note
summoning Mr Tindle here.
1295
01:29:44,990 --> 01:29:47,710
Shots were heard, bullet holes made.
1296
01:29:47,831 --> 01:29:50,141
Blood is on the banisters
and the carpet.
1297
01:29:50,272 --> 01:29:51,991
His clothes
were hidden in your wardrobe,
1298
01:29:52,112 --> 01:29:54,911
and he had disappeared.
1299
01:29:55,033 --> 01:29:57,025
Who needs a body?
1300
01:29:58,153 --> 01:29:59,473
Sir.
1301
01:30:00,874 --> 01:30:02,194
Come along, then.
1302
01:30:02,315 --> 01:30:04,987
-lt's time to go, sir.
-No. l can't believe it...
1303
01:30:05,115 --> 01:30:08,710
l'm afraid, sir, that l must insist.
1304
01:30:08,836 --> 01:30:10,349
There is a police car
at the end of the driveway.
1305
01:30:10,476 --> 01:30:12,991
l don't care if there's
a fleet of police cars,
1306
01:30:13,116 --> 01:30:15,311
l'm not bloody well going!
1307
01:30:27,839 --> 01:30:29,831
Now, let's have no...
1308
01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:32,634
-Please, don't make it difficult.
-Christ, you're hurting my arm!
1309
01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:35,912
Really, you give me no alternative, sir.
lf you'll just cooperate.
1310
01:30:36,041 --> 01:30:38,077
Let me get my lawyer. lt's my right!
1311
01:30:38,202 --> 01:30:40,432
We can make a call
from the police station.
1312
01:30:40,562 --> 01:30:44,078
We wouldn't want
to do anything unconstitutional.
1313
01:30:44,203 --> 01:30:47,161
Come now, sir. Don't despair.
1314
01:30:47,283 --> 01:30:50,560
You may get off
with as little as seven years.
1315
01:30:50,684 --> 01:30:52,277
Seven years!
1316
01:30:52,404 --> 01:30:56,478
Seven years to regret
the playing of silly games
1317
01:30:56,605 --> 01:30:59,165
-that go wrong.
-Spare me the sermon if you don't mind!
1318
01:30:59,286 --> 01:31:01,720
lt didn't go wrong,
it all went bloody well right.
1319
01:31:01,846 --> 01:31:03,644
You think so, do you, sir?
1320
01:31:05,447 --> 01:31:08,599
We real life policemen are not as stupid
1321
01:31:08,728 --> 01:31:13,325
as we are sometimes portrayed
by writers like yourself.
1322
01:31:13,448 --> 01:31:15,440
We may not have our monocles,
1323
01:31:15,569 --> 01:31:21,042
or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers
or our shovel hats,
1324
01:31:21,250 --> 01:31:25,483
but we are reasonably effective,
for all that, sir.
1325
01:31:25,611 --> 01:31:29,048
You seem to know a hell of a lot
about detective stories, lnspector.
1326
01:31:29,172 --> 01:31:33,007
Yes, l have read quite a few
in my time, sir.
1327
01:31:33,333 --> 01:31:38,852
And in recent years, l have come
to believe that the detective story
1328
01:31:38,974 --> 01:31:41,887
is the normal recreation
of noble minds, sir.
1329
01:31:42,014 --> 01:31:44,813
Who or what the hell are you?
1330
01:31:49,976 --> 01:31:54,732
Detective lnspector Doppler, sir.
1331
01:31:57,578 --> 01:32:01,287
lt is spelt like "doppel",
1332
01:32:01,419 --> 01:32:06,892
which, as l'm sure you know,
means ''double'',
1333
01:32:08,460 --> 01:32:09,813
in German.
1334
01:32:11,380 --> 01:32:16,455
And for those whose minds
run to these things,
1335
01:32:18,222 --> 01:32:21,738
it is virtually an anagram
1336
01:32:22,543 --> 01:32:23,942
of the word
1337
01:32:24,463 --> 01:32:25,737
''plodder''.
1338
01:32:27,584 --> 01:32:29,859
So
1339
01:32:29,985 --> 01:32:32,419
lnspector Plodder
1340
01:32:33,425 --> 01:32:35,064
becomes
1341
01:32:35,186 --> 01:32:37,904
lnspector Doppler,
1342
01:32:40,786 --> 01:32:43,699
if you see what l mean,
1343
01:32:48,308 --> 01:32:49,297
sir.
1344
01:32:54,469 --> 01:32:55,789
Milo!
1345
01:32:56,670 --> 01:32:57,989
The same.
1346
01:32:58,910 --> 01:33:00,583
You shit.
1347
01:33:06,272 --> 01:33:11,393
You all-time, knock-down,
champion bastard, Milo.
1348
01:33:12,313 --> 01:33:13,871
You're too kind.
1349
01:33:21,955 --> 01:33:25,345
l'm not saying it wasn't well done,
it was extremely.
1350
01:33:25,476 --> 01:33:28,912
Yes, well, the thing was brilliant.
1351
01:33:29,076 --> 01:33:32,387
lncidentally, you forgot
to take out your left eye.
1352
01:33:36,438 --> 01:33:38,349
Now he knows l'm funny.
1353
01:33:38,678 --> 01:33:40,589
Do have a drink, Milo.
1354
01:33:41,238 --> 01:33:42,831
l'm sorry. Do help yourself.
1355
01:33:42,959 --> 01:33:46,032
l'll have a wash first.
l'm covered in makeup and spirit gum.
1356
01:33:46,159 --> 01:33:50,154
-Of course, use the kitchen.
-No, l prefer the master bathroom.
1357
01:34:00,003 --> 01:34:02,392
Your very good health, sir.
1358
01:34:21,887 --> 01:34:25,767
l must say,
l must congratulate you, Milo.
1359
01:34:25,888 --> 01:34:27,606
lt was first class.
1360
01:34:28,408 --> 01:34:31,606
You sure had me going there
for a while.
1361
01:34:31,729 --> 01:34:33,082
For a while?
1362
01:34:37,970 --> 01:34:40,689
Well, it was quite a while, l concede.
1363
01:34:40,811 --> 01:34:43,200
But l got a bit suspicious
towards the end, you know?
1364
01:34:43,332 --> 01:34:46,563
You did go on a bit, l thought.
1365
01:34:59,055 --> 01:35:01,728
What did you think of my performance?
1366
01:35:01,935 --> 01:35:06,009
The anguish of the innocent man
trapped by circumstantial evidence.
1367
01:35:06,296 --> 01:35:09,289
-lt wasn't a performance.
-Of course it was.
1368
01:35:09,416 --> 01:35:11,328
l had to be convincing.
1369
01:35:11,457 --> 01:35:13,414
Apparently l succeeded.
1370
01:35:13,978 --> 01:35:17,368
You just don't know how to lose at all,
do you, Andrew?
1371
01:35:17,819 --> 01:35:20,458
All that crap you gave old Doppler
1372
01:35:20,579 --> 01:35:22,695
about the gentry losing gracefully.
1373
01:35:22,819 --> 01:35:24,538
Jesus!
1374
01:35:24,659 --> 01:35:28,700
l told you, you did well.
lt was really good.
1375
01:35:28,981 --> 01:35:31,290
l loved your lnspector Doppler.
1376
01:35:31,421 --> 01:35:35,461
l'm glad you view the trifling
masquerade in that light, sir.
1377
01:35:35,582 --> 01:35:37,937
Your makeup was damned good.
First class.
1378
01:35:38,062 --> 01:35:42,295
-You didn't do that yourself, did you?
-l am a hair dresser, don't forget.
1379
01:35:42,503 --> 01:35:45,780
l do have friends in the arts.
1380
01:35:47,905 --> 01:35:51,215
l suppose you sneaked...
Slipped in here yesterday
1381
01:35:51,345 --> 01:35:53,621
-while l was in Salisbury.
-Yes.
1382
01:35:53,745 --> 01:35:56,385
Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe
1383
01:35:56,506 --> 01:36:00,466
and sprinkled a little sacrificial
blood onto the banisters.
1384
01:36:00,587 --> 01:36:04,342
lt wasn't my blood,
l know you'll be relieved to hear.
1385
01:36:04,548 --> 01:36:06,743
l got it from a pig's liver.
1386
01:36:07,149 --> 01:36:10,061
Thought you could've used
almost any dago wine.
1387
01:36:10,189 --> 01:36:11,669
l'll have that drink now.
1388
01:36:11,790 --> 01:36:13,382
-Of course.
-Gin and tonic, l think.
1389
01:36:13,510 --> 01:36:16,423
Well, you richly deserve it,
my dear fellow. Come along.
1390
01:36:19,791 --> 01:36:24,741
You know, l haven't congratulated you
yet on your game.
1391
01:36:25,912 --> 01:36:29,030
-lt was jolly good.
-You really think so? Good.
1392
01:36:29,153 --> 01:36:31,348
Must say l was rather
delighted with it myself.
1393
01:36:31,473 --> 01:36:32,792
l say,
1394
01:36:32,913 --> 01:36:36,794
did you really think
your last moment on earth had come?
1395
01:36:37,115 --> 01:36:38,229
Yes.
1396
01:36:38,715 --> 01:36:40,752
You're not cross, are you?
1397
01:36:42,075 --> 01:36:43,190
Cross?
1398
01:36:43,355 --> 01:36:45,108
l don't understand.
1399
01:36:45,236 --> 01:36:47,114
That's one of your words.
1400
01:36:47,356 --> 01:36:51,032
Look, as l explained to you
when you were playing Doppler,
1401
01:36:51,157 --> 01:36:54,673
l had to test your mettle to see if,
as l suspected,
1402
01:36:54,798 --> 01:36:57,266
you really were my sort of person.
1403
01:36:58,119 --> 01:37:01,031
-The games playing sort of person?
-Exactly.
1404
01:37:02,039 --> 01:37:04,952
-And am l?
-There's no question about it.
1405
01:37:05,400 --> 01:37:08,916
Compare your experience
this weekend, my dear Milo,
1406
01:37:09,041 --> 01:37:10,839
with any other moments in your life.
1407
01:37:10,961 --> 01:37:12,759
Now if you're honest with yourself,
you'll have to admit
1408
01:37:12,881 --> 01:37:16,717
that you lived more intensely
in my company than in anybody else's,
1409
01:37:16,842 --> 01:37:18,834
not even with Marguerite.
1410
01:37:18,963 --> 01:37:22,273
Now, we know what it is to play a game,
1411
01:37:22,964 --> 01:37:24,317
you and l.
1412
01:37:24,844 --> 01:37:26,358
That's so rare.
1413
01:37:26,805 --> 01:37:30,081
Two people brought together,
equally matched,
1414
01:37:30,565 --> 01:37:33,763
having the courage and the talents
1415
01:37:33,886 --> 01:37:36,526
to make of life a continuing charade
1416
01:37:36,646 --> 01:37:40,606
of bright fancies, happy invention.
1417
01:37:41,047 --> 01:37:43,846
To face out its emptiness
1418
01:37:44,848 --> 01:37:49,127
and its terrors by playing.
1419
01:37:49,689 --> 01:37:52,648
By just playing.
1420
01:37:53,970 --> 01:37:55,244
Haven't you forgotten
1421
01:37:55,371 --> 01:37:58,363
the jumped-up pantry boy
who doesn't know his place?
1422
01:37:59,651 --> 01:38:02,609
We are from different worlds,
you and me, Andrew.
1423
01:38:02,772 --> 01:38:03,887
ln mine,
1424
01:38:04,013 --> 01:38:07,925
there was no time for bright fancies
and happy inventions.
1425
01:38:08,413 --> 01:38:10,131
No stopping for tea.
1426
01:38:11,334 --> 01:38:14,610
The only game we played
was to survive.
1427
01:38:15,254 --> 01:38:16,813
Or go to the wall.
1428
01:38:17,415 --> 01:38:19,804
lf you didn't win, you just didn't finish.
1429
01:38:19,935 --> 01:38:21,574
Loser, lose all.
1430
01:38:25,177 --> 01:38:26,974
You probably don't understand that.
1431
01:38:27,097 --> 01:38:30,169
Understand or not,
nothing you've said disproves my point.
1432
01:38:30,298 --> 01:38:32,016
Look at the way
you chose to get back at me
1433
01:38:32,137 --> 01:38:34,368
by playing lnspector Doppler.
1434
01:38:35,018 --> 01:38:36,498
Simple revenge.
1435
01:38:37,019 --> 01:38:38,771
Paying back in kind.
1436
01:38:40,700 --> 01:38:42,019
Every wop knows about that.
1437
01:38:42,140 --> 01:38:45,895
Well, is honour satisfied?
Score even? One set all?
1438
01:38:46,020 --> 01:38:47,056
Honour?
1439
01:38:50,101 --> 01:38:52,741
That's another one of your words.
1440
01:38:53,262 --> 01:38:55,493
l know
1441
01:38:55,622 --> 01:38:59,775
that you stripped me more than naked.
1442
01:38:59,903 --> 01:39:05,662
l know
that you actually terrified me to death.
1443
01:39:07,265 --> 01:39:10,257
l stood on those stairs, looking down,
1444
01:39:10,386 --> 01:39:14,016
and realising
that my coat sleeve button,
1445
01:39:14,146 --> 01:39:15,626
the banister,
1446
01:39:16,106 --> 01:39:18,985
the nail on my fourth finger
1447
01:39:19,308 --> 01:39:24,336
were absolutely the last things
l was gonna see. Ever.
1448
01:39:25,909 --> 01:39:30,107
Then, l heard the sound
1449
01:39:30,229 --> 01:39:31,868
of my own death.
1450
01:39:32,230 --> 01:39:34,425
Now, that changes you, Andrew.
1451
01:39:34,551 --> 01:39:35,950
Believe me.
1452
01:39:36,071 --> 01:39:38,141
And l still owe you for that.
1453
01:39:38,271 --> 01:39:39,943
lt'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow.
1454
01:39:40,072 --> 01:39:42,506
-Here, let me give you another...
-l don't want
1455
01:39:42,633 --> 01:39:44,032
an even score.
1456
01:39:44,153 --> 01:39:46,189
And don't you give me any of that
''one set all'',
1457
01:39:46,313 --> 01:39:48,873
or ''The game's the thing,
it's enough to take part'' crap.
1458
01:39:51,114 --> 01:39:53,150
My father just took part,
1459
01:39:53,474 --> 01:39:54,953
and his father,
1460
01:39:55,234 --> 01:39:56,668
and his father.
1461
01:39:56,795 --> 01:40:00,425
Losers! As far back as you can go.
1462
01:40:01,636 --> 01:40:03,514
Well, it stops with me!
1463
01:40:03,957 --> 01:40:06,425
With me, the Tindles start winning!
1464
01:40:08,077 --> 01:40:10,278
And others start losing.
1465
01:40:10,278 --> 01:40:10,516
And others start losing.
1466
01:40:14,639 --> 01:40:16,709
You, for example.
1467
01:40:17,800 --> 01:40:18,788
Me?
1468
01:40:19,800 --> 01:40:21,631
-Lose what?
-A new game.
1469
01:40:22,160 --> 01:40:25,517
My kind. My rules, played my way.
1470
01:40:26,201 --> 01:40:27,635
And to start it,
1471
01:40:27,921 --> 01:40:29,833
l have killed someone.
1472
01:40:30,562 --> 01:40:32,041
You've killed someone.
1473
01:40:32,402 --> 01:40:34,553
Murdered someone. Committed murder.
1474
01:40:34,683 --> 01:40:36,355
You're not serious?
1475
01:40:37,323 --> 01:40:38,473
Deadly.
1476
01:40:39,084 --> 01:40:40,756
lt's a real game
1477
01:40:40,964 --> 01:40:42,602
and a real murder.
1478
01:40:43,205 --> 01:40:47,836
There's absolutely no point in playing
another pretend game, isn't that right?
1479
01:40:47,965 --> 01:40:51,322
-Absolutely not.
-We're past pretending now.
1480
01:40:52,127 --> 01:40:54,322
We'll leave that to the amateurs.
1481
01:40:54,446 --> 01:40:56,200
The gentlemen players, like you.
1482
01:40:56,487 --> 01:40:58,797
Look, Milo. l think perhaps another time.
1483
01:40:58,928 --> 01:41:02,638
-lt can't wait!
-All right, all right.
1484
01:41:02,768 --> 01:41:04,566
We'll play your game.
1485
01:41:04,849 --> 01:41:06,646
Now whom did you kill?
1486
01:41:07,569 --> 01:41:09,686
Whom? Whom?
1487
01:41:10,730 --> 01:41:16,727
Who, besides yourself, is the closest
to being someone you care about?
1488
01:41:16,931 --> 01:41:19,730
Would it be your girlfriend, Tea?
1489
01:41:21,132 --> 01:41:22,451
Possibly.
1490
01:41:23,373 --> 01:41:24,408
Why?
1491
01:41:24,773 --> 01:41:26,172
She's the one.
1492
01:41:28,613 --> 01:41:30,206
You killed Tea?
1493
01:41:30,494 --> 01:41:36,013
She, whose cobalt eyes were
the secret forest pools of Finlandia.
1494
01:41:36,936 --> 01:41:38,688
l closed them.
1495
01:41:40,696 --> 01:41:43,052
-You?
-Yes, l strangled her.
1496
01:41:44,057 --> 01:41:48,016
Right over there, on that rug,
l strangled her.
1497
01:41:48,297 --> 01:41:53,167
And, yes, l screwed her first.
1498
01:41:55,819 --> 01:41:58,253
You raped and strangled...
1499
01:41:58,380 --> 01:41:59,938
No, not rape.
1500
01:42:00,580 --> 01:42:02,377
She wanted it.
1501
01:42:02,501 --> 01:42:03,934
You're lying.
1502
01:42:05,861 --> 01:42:08,330
You can't take me
with a crude game like this.
1503
01:42:08,461 --> 01:42:11,181
Honestly, Milo,
l gave you credit for better sport.
1504
01:42:11,302 --> 01:42:15,740
When l was here yesterday, planting
the blood and clothes for old Doppler,
1505
01:42:15,863 --> 01:42:18,697
Tea showed up looking for you,
1506
01:42:18,824 --> 01:42:20,621
so l pitched her a little woo,
1507
01:42:20,745 --> 01:42:24,135
as you would've said in your day,
and we danced cheek-to-cheek
1508
01:42:24,265 --> 01:42:27,224
to those cornball big band oldies
of yours.
1509
01:42:27,346 --> 01:42:29,496
l mean, who but you would have them?
1510
01:42:29,706 --> 01:42:31,698
Anyway, it worked.
1511
01:42:32,226 --> 01:42:35,219
She got itchy,
and l had to scratch, didn't l?
1512
01:42:35,547 --> 01:42:37,857
And afterwards, she got sleepy.
1513
01:42:37,988 --> 01:42:41,743
And that's when l did it, old boy.
l wrung her neck.
1514
01:42:43,349 --> 01:42:45,499
She was under
that freshly dug mound of earth
1515
01:42:45,629 --> 01:42:49,145
-that old Doppler took such a fancy to.
-Was? You mean, she's not now?
1516
01:42:49,270 --> 01:42:50,670
No, l moved her.
1517
01:42:50,790 --> 01:42:53,259
Where to? The flooded gravel pit?
1518
01:42:53,390 --> 01:42:57,509
-Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory?
-lt doesn't matter where to.
1519
01:42:57,631 --> 01:43:00,431
The police will find her in due course,
if they haven't found her already.
1520
01:43:00,553 --> 01:43:01,587
The police?
1521
01:43:01,713 --> 01:43:04,102
Yes, l phoned them about an hour ago
1522
01:43:04,233 --> 01:43:07,192
and asked them
to meet me here at 10:00.
1523
01:43:07,314 --> 01:43:10,226
They should arrive in about 15 minutes.
1524
01:43:10,995 --> 01:43:13,065
l'm sure they will, too.
1525
01:43:13,195 --> 01:43:17,872
Led, no doubt,
by intrepid, downy lnspector Doppler.
1526
01:43:17,996 --> 01:43:20,464
Nope. lt'll be a real cop, all right.
1527
01:43:20,676 --> 01:43:24,909
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
is his name. Check it, if you like.
1528
01:43:26,158 --> 01:43:28,592
l told him a lot about you, Andrew.
1529
01:43:28,718 --> 01:43:32,029
l said l knew you to be a man
obsessed with games playing
1530
01:43:32,159 --> 01:43:34,673
and murder considered as a fine art.
1531
01:43:34,799 --> 01:43:38,190
Your life's great ambition, l said,
of which you had often spoken,
1532
01:43:38,320 --> 01:43:41,074
was to commit
an actual, real-life murder,
1533
01:43:41,200 --> 01:43:44,113
hide the body, then leave clues
linking you with the crime
1534
01:43:44,242 --> 01:43:45,720
scattered about the house.
1535
01:43:45,841 --> 01:43:48,481
Convinced that the poor,
simple-minded police
1536
01:43:48,602 --> 01:43:51,561
would never recognise them
for what they were.
1537
01:43:51,683 --> 01:43:54,801
''Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest
until he's committed a real murder,
1538
01:43:54,923 --> 01:43:57,484
''which is gonna make fools
out of all you coppers.''
1539
01:43:57,604 --> 01:43:58,832
Honestly.
1540
01:43:59,205 --> 01:44:00,797
Tell that to the average desk sergeant,
1541
01:44:00,925 --> 01:44:04,759
and you'll find yourself strapped
straight into the giggle jacket.
1542
01:44:04,885 --> 01:44:06,524
Not so, in fact.
1543
01:44:06,806 --> 01:44:11,197
l told them that if they didn't believe me,
one look at your books
1544
01:44:11,327 --> 01:44:14,445
and the furnishings of your house
would confirm what l said
1545
01:44:14,567 --> 01:44:17,001
about your obsessions.
1546
01:44:23,489 --> 01:44:26,527
l also told them that two days ago
1547
01:44:26,649 --> 01:44:29,449
your girlfriend
came to my house in great distress,
1548
01:44:29,571 --> 01:44:32,722
saying that you suspected her
of having affairs with other men,
1549
01:44:32,851 --> 01:44:34,409
and threatened to kill her.
1550
01:44:34,532 --> 01:44:37,092
l bet they believed every word of that.
1551
01:44:37,212 --> 01:44:39,601
ln the end, yes, they did.
1552
01:44:42,533 --> 01:44:44,683
My dear boy.
1553
01:44:45,414 --> 01:44:47,405
l do appreciate that
in spite of your denials
1554
01:44:47,534 --> 01:44:50,003
you've been captivated
by the spirit of games playing,
1555
01:44:50,134 --> 01:44:52,410
and the need, as you see it,
to win at any cost,
1556
01:44:52,535 --> 01:44:56,370
but frankly, you are trying too hard
1557
01:44:56,496 --> 01:44:59,215
to be a big boy, too soon.
1558
01:45:08,299 --> 01:45:09,287
Hello.
1559
01:45:09,419 --> 01:45:12,217
Hello, Joyce? lt's Andrew.
1560
01:45:12,339 --> 01:45:14,456
Can... Can l speak to Tea?
1561
01:45:17,700 --> 01:45:20,055
She... What?
1562
01:45:22,141 --> 01:45:23,972
Been strangled?
1563
01:45:26,502 --> 01:45:27,981
Where was this?
1564
01:45:28,702 --> 01:45:30,819
When was it?
1565
01:45:31,063 --> 01:45:32,701
Where was she found?
1566
01:45:32,983 --> 01:45:34,053
What?
1567
01:45:35,904 --> 01:45:37,132
Joyce.
1568
01:45:37,264 --> 01:45:38,823
l can't understand what you...
1569
01:45:38,945 --> 01:45:41,379
Look, do try to control your...
1570
01:45:42,625 --> 01:45:43,695
What?
1571
01:45:45,065 --> 01:45:46,294
The police...
1572
01:45:47,146 --> 01:45:48,216
Asking...
1573
01:45:50,387 --> 01:45:51,536
Oh, my.
1574
01:45:58,508 --> 01:46:01,023
You should've believed me.
1575
01:46:01,149 --> 01:46:03,538
Now, we're gonna play the game.
1576
01:46:03,670 --> 01:46:07,902
ln a little over 13 minutes
the law will arrive.
1577
01:46:08,191 --> 01:46:10,546
lt's going to be your giant brain
1578
01:46:10,951 --> 01:46:13,146
against their plodding ones.
1579
01:46:13,272 --> 01:46:15,786
Concealed about this room
1580
01:46:15,912 --> 01:46:20,225
are four clues incriminating
you as Tea's murderer.
1581
01:46:20,953 --> 01:46:25,310
lncluding, as a final expression
of your contempt for the police,
1582
01:46:25,434 --> 01:46:27,391
the murder weapon itself.
1583
01:46:28,275 --> 01:46:29,946
Now, are you ready?
1584
01:46:32,516 --> 01:46:35,952
You can't make a game
out of real murder.
1585
01:46:36,156 --> 01:46:37,635
We'll see.
1586
01:46:37,757 --> 01:46:39,474
Now, remember,
1587
01:46:39,597 --> 01:46:40,871
four objects.
1588
01:46:40,997 --> 01:46:44,114
Those that you don't find,
be sure the police will.
1589
01:46:44,238 --> 01:46:46,799
And they're all in plain view.
1590
01:46:46,919 --> 01:46:49,433
And the first object is
1591
01:46:49,559 --> 01:46:51,391
a crystal bracelet.
1592
01:46:52,759 --> 01:46:54,432
-The... What?
-Yes.
1593
01:46:55,080 --> 01:46:59,040
-l tore it off her wrist. lt's inscribed...
-All right. All right!
1594
01:46:59,161 --> 01:47:01,153
l know how it's inscribed.
1595
01:47:38,609 --> 01:47:41,362
-Would you like some help?
-Yes. Damn you!
1596
01:47:41,569 --> 01:47:42,763
So soon?
1597
01:47:43,329 --> 01:47:45,446
Now, where's my list?
1598
01:47:45,571 --> 01:47:47,323
-Oh, God.
-Here it is.
1599
01:47:48,570 --> 01:47:50,687
''For any man with half an eye
1600
01:47:50,812 --> 01:47:53,565
''what stands before him he may spy
1601
01:47:53,692 --> 01:47:58,847
''but optics sharp it needs and keen
to see what is not to be seen.''
1602
01:47:58,973 --> 01:48:01,329
You said everything was in plain view!
1603
01:48:01,453 --> 01:48:03,603
Well, aren't l
the shifty old sly boots, then?
1604
01:48:03,734 --> 01:48:06,487
You're not giving me anything
of a chance, you bastard!
1605
01:48:06,615 --> 01:48:09,004
Now, think, think, think.
1606
01:48:09,135 --> 01:48:12,606
lt's in plain view, yet not to be seen.
An optical trick's involved.
1607
01:48:12,735 --> 01:48:16,446
An optical...
A key to see what is not to be seen
1608
01:48:17,737 --> 01:48:20,855
by the naked eye. lt's microscopic.
1609
01:48:20,977 --> 01:48:24,493
Only a fragment of it is showing.
That's it.
1610
01:48:24,618 --> 01:48:27,577
The traditional tool of your trade,
lnspector?
1611
01:48:32,540 --> 01:48:34,371
Why don't you ask yourself
1612
01:48:34,500 --> 01:48:38,210
how your man Merrydick,
would go about the search?
1613
01:48:38,341 --> 01:48:40,731
Merridew! St John Lord Merridew!
1614
01:48:40,861 --> 01:48:42,773
Calm. Keep calm.
1615
01:48:42,902 --> 01:48:44,699
Think.
What are the properties of crystal?
1616
01:48:44,822 --> 01:48:45,972
Hard,
1617
01:48:46,102 --> 01:48:47,252
brilliant,
1618
01:48:47,383 --> 01:48:48,816
transparent.
1619
01:48:50,223 --> 01:48:54,217
You look through it, but you don't see it.
That's the trick.
1620
01:48:54,864 --> 01:48:57,902
Now, the only place to conceal
a transparent thing,
1621
01:48:58,025 --> 01:49:01,143
so as to make it invisible,
and yet leave it in plain view
1622
01:49:01,266 --> 01:49:04,144
is on or in
another transparent thing like...
1623
01:49:04,267 --> 01:49:05,415
Like!
1624
01:49:13,908 --> 01:49:15,501
Clear as crystal.
1625
01:49:16,829 --> 01:49:19,627
But l don't need to destroy this, do l?
1626
01:49:19,749 --> 01:49:22,184
-She could've left it here anytime.
-True.
1627
01:49:22,310 --> 01:49:23,630
Go on. What next?
1628
01:49:23,750 --> 01:49:27,026
The next object
is much more incriminating.
1629
01:49:27,151 --> 01:49:28,789
Here's a little riddle, which l'm sure
1630
01:49:28,911 --> 01:49:31,506
one of your nannies
must have taught you.
1631
01:49:31,672 --> 01:49:34,471
Two brothers we are
Great burdens we bear
1632
01:49:34,592 --> 01:49:37,061
On which we are bitterly pressed
1633
01:49:37,193 --> 01:49:39,468
The truth is to say
We are full all the day
1634
01:49:39,594 --> 01:49:41,709
And empty when we go to rest
1635
01:49:41,834 --> 01:49:44,871
l know that. l know that.
Hold on. Just a minute.
1636
01:49:44,994 --> 01:49:48,385
Full all the day, empty when we go...
l know! lt's a pair of shoes!
1637
01:49:48,515 --> 01:49:52,145
ln this case, one lady's left black shoe,
size 6.
1638
01:49:53,956 --> 01:49:57,346
The other, l need hardly add,
is on Tea's foot.
1639
01:49:57,477 --> 01:49:59,035
God! Poor Tea.
1640
01:50:03,278 --> 01:50:04,870
Poor Tea, eh?
1641
01:50:04,999 --> 01:50:06,512
That's better.
1642
01:50:06,679 --> 01:50:08,874
Do you know that's
the first sign of sorrow you've shown
1643
01:50:09,000 --> 01:50:11,833
since you heard of her death?
1644
01:50:11,960 --> 01:50:13,393
You wouldn't put it here, anyway.
1645
01:50:13,521 --> 01:50:16,319
Or even upstairs
among Marguerite's shoes.
1646
01:50:16,441 --> 01:50:19,990
-Too obvious.
-Such grief is touching.
1647
01:50:20,122 --> 01:50:23,432
You really are the salt of the earth,
you know that, Andrew?
1648
01:50:23,562 --> 01:50:26,122
By the way,
that's a clue, if you're interested.
1649
01:50:27,003 --> 01:50:28,561
Salt of the earth? Earth?
1650
01:50:28,683 --> 01:50:30,480
lt's buried... No, you buried the other.
1651
01:50:30,604 --> 01:50:33,880
Salt, salt...
Salt and pepper. Saltpeter...
1652
01:50:34,005 --> 01:50:36,235
Salt water... Salt... Cellar!
1653
01:50:36,365 --> 01:50:38,038
lt's in the cellar!
1654
01:51:11,332 --> 01:51:14,166
You're really turned on,
aren't you, Andrew?
1655
01:51:15,653 --> 01:51:19,532
Even though the game you're playing
is for your own life.
1656
01:51:20,134 --> 01:51:22,489
You're practically having it off.
1657
01:51:23,135 --> 01:51:24,534
Shoe, shoe!
1658
01:51:24,655 --> 01:51:26,293
l ask myself,
1659
01:51:26,415 --> 01:51:29,487
''lf l was a black shoe,
where would l hide?
1660
01:51:29,616 --> 01:51:32,414
''lf l was as black as your hat.
1661
01:51:32,536 --> 01:51:35,654
''lf l was as black as the ace of spades.
1662
01:51:35,777 --> 01:51:38,372
-''lf l was as black as...''
-Coal!
1663
01:51:40,578 --> 01:51:42,331
Dirty bastard!
1664
01:51:52,780 --> 01:51:54,931
You dirty son of a bitch!
1665
01:51:58,742 --> 01:52:00,255
You're getting warmer,
1666
01:52:00,382 --> 01:52:02,260
and blacker.
1667
01:52:02,382 --> 01:52:04,772
Must be quite a new experience for you.
1668
01:52:04,903 --> 01:52:06,655
l don't suppose blacks
play much of a part
1669
01:52:06,783 --> 01:52:08,137
in the books you write, do they?
1670
01:52:08,263 --> 01:52:11,779
Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie
1671
01:52:11,905 --> 01:52:15,021
to take his place
alongside the swarthy yid,
1672
01:52:15,145 --> 01:52:18,741
the oily Levantine
and others of their kind.
1673
01:52:33,708 --> 01:52:35,347
Oh, l'm sorry it's so messy.
1674
01:52:35,469 --> 01:52:37,266
lt's only earth.
1675
01:52:37,389 --> 01:52:40,029
From Tea's first grave in your garden.
1676
01:52:45,751 --> 01:52:47,787
Not so bad.
We're up of the clock, l think.
1677
01:52:47,912 --> 01:52:50,745
-Barely.
-Well, what's next?
1678
01:52:52,873 --> 01:52:55,307
What do you find so damned amusing?
1679
01:52:56,153 --> 01:52:58,543
What the hell are you laughing at?
1680
01:53:00,674 --> 01:53:03,269
-Are you sure you're all right?
-Yes, l'm all right.
1681
01:53:03,395 --> 01:53:05,034
-Jack.
-Jack?
1682
01:53:05,155 --> 01:53:06,555
Simple minded twit!
1683
01:53:06,675 --> 01:53:08,029
You've been handing me the clue
all along.
1684
01:53:08,156 --> 01:53:11,069
lt's Jolly Jack Tar. lt's on the sailor.
1685
01:53:11,196 --> 01:53:12,266
True!
1686
01:53:12,397 --> 01:53:14,149
That's where it is.
1687
01:53:15,557 --> 01:53:20,268
But this time,
l am not going to tell you what it is.
1688
01:53:20,558 --> 01:53:21,877
All right.
1689
01:54:07,048 --> 01:54:09,403
He looked disappointed in you.
1690
01:54:09,528 --> 01:54:11,963
But then, it's no laughing matter.
1691
01:54:12,529 --> 01:54:13,757
Or is it?
1692
01:54:18,410 --> 01:54:19,889
Do that again.
1693
01:54:22,691 --> 01:54:25,285
My God,
he's never winked at me before.
1694
01:54:40,574 --> 01:54:44,170
l suppose the other lash
is on one of poor Tea's eyes.
1695
01:54:44,695 --> 01:54:46,129
She won't miss it.
1696
01:54:46,255 --> 01:54:47,974
They're both closed.
1697
01:54:49,896 --> 01:54:51,694
How much more time?
1698
01:54:51,817 --> 01:54:55,288
You've got about five minutes.
Hardly enough, l'd say.
1699
01:54:55,417 --> 01:54:57,886
There's one more thing left, l think,
the murder weapon.
1700
01:54:58,018 --> 01:54:59,610
You strangled her over there,
with what?
1701
01:54:59,739 --> 01:55:04,416
-A rope, belt, scarf...
-lt bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew.
1702
01:55:05,980 --> 01:55:07,572
l had to pry it loose.
1703
01:55:07,700 --> 01:55:11,774
You'll pay for that, l promise,
you sadistic bloody wop!
1704
01:55:11,901 --> 01:55:14,370
l hope l didn't hear that correctly.
1705
01:55:18,143 --> 01:55:20,498
You're certain to need more help.
1706
01:55:21,223 --> 01:55:24,580
l'd hate to have to start giving you
difficult ltalian clues,
1707
01:55:24,703 --> 01:55:28,777
-full of treachery and double meaning.
-All right. All right.
1708
01:55:30,505 --> 01:55:33,463
As several wops have remarked
from time to time...
1709
01:55:36,226 --> 01:55:37,978
Was that a clue?
1710
01:55:38,666 --> 01:55:40,622
Say the damn thing again.
1711
01:55:42,947 --> 01:55:44,825
No. Once more, please.
1712
01:55:54,310 --> 01:55:56,107
What's the time. No...
1713
01:55:57,230 --> 01:55:58,299
No.
1714
01:56:00,150 --> 01:56:01,470
Gold, gold!
1715
01:56:02,911 --> 01:56:04,139
All gold!
1716
01:56:09,393 --> 01:56:10,985
Gold scintillates?
1717
01:56:11,113 --> 01:56:13,149
Glitters.
1718
01:56:13,273 --> 01:56:15,549
All that glisters is not gold.
1719
01:56:15,673 --> 01:56:17,551
There will always be an England.
1720
01:56:17,674 --> 01:56:20,508
You strangled her
with something golden and scintillating.
1721
01:56:24,276 --> 01:56:28,235
What's that? A musical clue.
Right. Now, golden notes,
1722
01:56:28,357 --> 01:56:31,713
golden scales, golden... lt's a chord!
1723
01:56:31,837 --> 01:56:34,955
You strangled her with a golden cord,
and like everybody does,
1724
01:56:35,078 --> 01:56:37,876
you hid it behind the bell pull!
1725
01:56:37,998 --> 01:56:39,954
No, damn it, you didn't.
1726
01:56:43,880 --> 01:56:46,189
Anything goes in olden days!
1727
01:56:46,320 --> 01:56:48,709
ln olden days a glimpse of stocking
1728
01:56:48,841 --> 01:56:50,433
Was looked on as something shock...
1729
01:56:50,560 --> 01:56:54,350
Stocking! Where do you put stockings?
1730
01:56:54,482 --> 01:56:57,758
On legs. Legs! The golden legs.
1731
01:56:59,123 --> 01:57:01,762
Not a golden leg in the blasted house.
1732
01:57:03,203 --> 01:57:04,876
ls it in this room?
1733
01:57:10,005 --> 01:57:11,199
Bastard!
1734
01:57:14,646 --> 01:57:17,525
ln olden days a glimpse of stocking
1735
01:57:17,647 --> 01:57:19,956
Was looked at as something shocking
1736
01:57:20,087 --> 01:57:23,876
Now heaven knows, anything goes
1737
01:57:25,128 --> 01:57:28,404
The world has gone mad today
And good...
1738
01:57:39,491 --> 01:57:41,641
l think l can hear something.
1739
01:57:49,973 --> 01:57:51,088
Andrew!
1740
01:57:51,213 --> 01:57:52,249
Andrew!
1741
01:57:52,373 --> 01:57:53,443
What?
1742
01:57:53,574 --> 01:57:55,963
They're here. The police are here.
1743
01:57:59,255 --> 01:58:01,325
lt looks like you've had it.
1744
01:58:01,456 --> 01:58:03,685
-They're coming up the drive.
-Keep them out!
1745
01:58:03,816 --> 01:58:05,169
Keep the police out?
1746
01:58:05,296 --> 01:58:06,854
lt's just not done, old boy.
1747
01:58:06,977 --> 01:58:08,774
But still, l'll try.
1748
01:58:10,257 --> 01:58:13,011
Just one more minute.
1749
01:58:13,138 --> 01:58:16,529
Stall them somehow. Please!
1750
01:58:16,658 --> 01:58:17,933
Remember,
1751
01:58:18,058 --> 01:58:19,890
in olden days
1752
01:58:20,019 --> 01:58:22,853
a glimpse of stocking.
1753
01:58:25,940 --> 01:58:26,930
Mr Tindle?
1754
01:58:27,061 --> 01:58:29,529
-Olden days...
-l wasn't expecting to find you here, sir.
1755
01:58:29,661 --> 01:58:32,129
-Glimpse...
-Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant.
1756
01:58:32,262 --> 01:58:34,014
Olden days...
1757
01:58:34,142 --> 01:58:35,973
Before tights, what?
1758
01:58:36,103 --> 01:58:38,822
Nylon. Before nylon, what?
1759
01:58:38,942 --> 01:58:40,171
Silk.
1760
01:58:40,583 --> 01:58:44,497
Well, what else. What...
1761
01:58:51,705 --> 01:58:52,821
Clock.
1762
01:58:58,026 --> 01:59:01,781
Stockings had clocks.
1763
01:59:01,908 --> 01:59:03,466
ln olden days...
1764
01:59:13,310 --> 01:59:14,584
Glimpse...
1765
01:59:18,071 --> 01:59:20,267
Now you see it,
1766
01:59:20,391 --> 01:59:21,825
now you don't.
1767
02:00:20,163 --> 02:00:23,156
lt wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant.
1768
02:00:23,284 --> 02:00:25,401
Why don't l have a go at it?
1769
02:00:25,764 --> 02:00:28,154
Well, surely...
1770
02:00:38,847 --> 02:00:41,203
Just let me tell him you're here.
1771
02:00:46,289 --> 02:00:47,438
Andrew.
1772
02:00:47,569 --> 02:00:48,843
ls it all right if l introduce
1773
02:00:48,969 --> 02:00:51,962
Detective Sergeant Tarrant
and Constable Higgs?
1774
02:00:53,690 --> 02:00:56,921
Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen.
1775
02:00:57,051 --> 02:00:59,612
Come in, do have...
1776
02:01:05,253 --> 02:01:09,690
Or should l say, lnspector Plodder
1777
02:01:09,814 --> 02:01:12,533
and Constable Freshface.
1778
02:01:16,054 --> 02:01:19,492
Thank you, Sergeant.
We won't be needing you after all.
1779
02:01:20,656 --> 02:01:21,805
That's all right, sir.
1780
02:01:21,936 --> 02:01:25,646
Better to be safe than sorry,
that's what l always say, sir.
1781
02:01:26,057 --> 02:01:29,016
-Good night, Sergeant.
-Good night, sir.
1782
02:01:30,378 --> 02:01:32,175
Good night, Constable.
1783
02:01:33,539 --> 02:01:35,131
Good night, sir.
1784
02:01:55,222 --> 02:01:58,340
First, l suppose
you'll want to know about Tea.
1785
02:01:59,063 --> 02:02:00,133
She did call yesterday
1786
02:02:00,264 --> 02:02:03,177
while l was setting up
the Doppler scene,
1787
02:02:03,304 --> 02:02:06,217
and l told her about the trick
that you played on me with the gun,
1788
02:02:06,345 --> 02:02:07,858
and she wasn't a bit surprised.
1789
02:02:07,985 --> 02:02:10,944
She knows only too well
the kind of games you like to play,
1790
02:02:11,066 --> 02:02:14,820
the kind of humiliation you enjoy
inflicting on other people.
1791
02:02:16,027 --> 02:02:20,783
l explained to her that l wanted
to play a game and get even with you,
1792
02:02:20,907 --> 02:02:25,505
and l asked her to lend me a stocking,
a shoe, a false eyelash
1793
02:02:25,629 --> 02:02:28,666
and that bracelet that you'd bought her.
1794
02:02:30,550 --> 02:02:33,622
And she was happy to help,
1795
02:02:33,751 --> 02:02:36,026
and so was her flatmate, Joyce.
1796
02:02:40,312 --> 02:02:42,507
Would you like to phone Tea?
1797
02:02:44,153 --> 02:02:46,030
She'll talk to you now.
1798
02:02:49,394 --> 02:02:53,308
But then, you wouldn't have very much
to say to her, would you?
1799
02:02:55,315 --> 02:02:57,954
She's not really your mistress, is she?
1800
02:03:00,236 --> 02:03:05,311
She told me that you and her
haven't made it together for over a year.
1801
02:03:07,677 --> 02:03:12,468
She also told me
that you are practically impotent.
1802
02:03:13,638 --> 02:03:17,951
Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice
for the next Olympics.
1803
02:03:19,400 --> 02:03:21,152
l warned you, Andrew.
1804
02:03:23,281 --> 02:03:25,636
l don't play games for the sport!
1805
02:03:27,442 --> 02:03:30,718
Particularly not games of humiliation.
1806
02:03:33,962 --> 02:03:36,113
l know too much about that.
1807
02:03:44,205 --> 02:03:45,923
Where are you going?
1808
02:03:47,685 --> 02:03:50,325
l'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat.
1809
02:03:51,727 --> 02:03:54,001
-She's not coming back?
-No.
1810
02:04:02,408 --> 02:04:03,808
l live
1811
02:04:05,009 --> 02:04:06,921
as l want to live.
1812
02:04:07,049 --> 02:04:10,930
You know, l've been
thinking of that writer you told me about.
1813
02:04:11,050 --> 02:04:14,521
And it is my opinion
that your detective stories
1814
02:04:14,651 --> 02:04:19,008
are the normal recreation
of snobbish, out-dated,
1815
02:04:19,132 --> 02:04:21,771
life-hating, ignoble minds.
1816
02:04:23,012 --> 02:04:24,853
l'll get that fur coat now.
1817
02:04:24,853 --> 02:04:25,091
l'll get that fur coat now.
1818
02:04:41,017 --> 02:04:42,291
You see.
1819
02:04:43,897 --> 02:04:45,216
You see.
1820
02:04:48,618 --> 02:04:49,892
lnspector,
1821
02:04:51,698 --> 02:04:53,690
l was working in my study
1822
02:04:54,539 --> 02:04:56,689
when l heard a noise in here,
1823
02:04:58,580 --> 02:05:01,811
so l took my revolver,
1824
02:05:03,181 --> 02:05:05,059
and l came in here
1825
02:05:05,222 --> 02:05:06,735
to investigate.
1826
02:05:08,662 --> 02:05:10,573
Here was this young man
1827
02:05:11,622 --> 02:05:13,534
running down the stairs
1828
02:05:14,103 --> 02:05:17,255
with my wife's fur coat over his arm.
1829
02:05:18,944 --> 02:05:20,981
l shouted for him to stop,
1830
02:05:21,465 --> 02:05:23,899
but he wouldn't pay any attention,
1831
02:05:24,345 --> 02:05:26,540
but ran on towards the door
1832
02:05:27,626 --> 02:05:29,617
hoping to make his escape.
1833
02:05:30,546 --> 02:05:33,141
Naturally, l fired.
1834
02:05:35,227 --> 02:05:37,024
l aimed low.
1835
02:05:38,188 --> 02:05:40,339
Believe me, lnspector, l did.
1836
02:05:41,268 --> 02:05:43,658
The most appalling thing happened.
1837
02:05:45,149 --> 02:05:46,741
l shot him dead.
1838
02:05:51,991 --> 02:05:53,549
That's all right, sir.
1839
02:05:53,832 --> 02:05:56,106
Don't distress yourself unduly.
1840
02:05:56,232 --> 02:05:58,951
A thing like that
could happen to anyone.
1841
02:06:13,795 --> 02:06:15,673
l can't let you go now.
1842
02:06:17,155 --> 02:06:18,748
What do you mean?
1843
02:06:19,436 --> 02:06:20,870
Going about
1844
02:06:21,237 --> 02:06:22,955
telling everyone.
1845
02:06:23,877 --> 02:06:25,708
lt's just not possible.
1846
02:06:25,838 --> 02:06:28,113
Who... Whom would l tell?
1847
02:06:29,679 --> 02:06:30,997
Who'd be interested?
1848
02:06:31,119 --> 02:06:34,430
One person would be too many,
even Marguerite.
1849
02:06:34,559 --> 02:06:35,628
Especially Marguerite.
1850
02:06:35,760 --> 02:06:37,751
What are you going to do then, Andrew?
1851
02:06:37,880 --> 02:06:39,280
Shoot me down?
1852
02:06:39,400 --> 02:06:42,279
-Play that old burglar game again?
-That's right.
1853
02:06:42,401 --> 02:06:44,757
-lt wouldn't work now.
-No?
1854
02:06:46,082 --> 02:06:47,595
Why not l wonder.
1855
02:06:47,722 --> 02:06:51,921
Because of what really happened
after l left here last Friday night.
1856
02:06:53,403 --> 02:06:56,077
What really happened?
1857
02:06:56,204 --> 02:06:58,196
l did lurch home
1858
02:06:58,324 --> 02:07:01,874
dazed, dirty and humiliated.
1859
02:07:03,285 --> 02:07:05,242
And l sat up all night.
1860
02:07:07,566 --> 02:07:08,999
And in the morning,
1861
02:07:09,127 --> 02:07:11,357
l went to the police station
1862
02:07:12,047 --> 02:07:14,641
and l told them what you'd done to me.
1863
02:07:15,527 --> 02:07:17,598
And one of them,
Detective Sergeant Tarrant,
1864
02:07:17,728 --> 02:07:19,401
yes, he's real.
1865
02:07:20,449 --> 02:07:23,885
He took me into a little room,
and we had a long chat,
1866
02:07:24,770 --> 02:07:27,648
but l don't think
he paid very much attention
1867
02:07:27,771 --> 02:07:29,488
to anything l said.
1868
02:07:30,611 --> 02:07:32,602
So l thought to myself,
1869
02:07:33,572 --> 02:07:35,608
''He's not gonna do anything about this.''
1870
02:07:35,732 --> 02:07:38,565
No? Why not?
1871
02:07:40,013 --> 02:07:43,005
You know the answer to that
just as well as l do.
1872
02:07:43,133 --> 02:07:46,126
ln his eyes,
l'm just some common little git
1873
02:07:46,494 --> 02:07:48,132
who's been screwing the wife
of a local noble
1874
02:07:48,255 --> 02:07:49,608
and got what he deserved.
1875
02:07:49,734 --> 02:07:53,410
So perhaps the police won't come by
as l said they would,
1876
02:07:53,535 --> 02:07:55,332
but even if they don't,
1877
02:07:55,456 --> 02:07:59,335
they'd never believe
that burglar story of yours. Not now.
1878
02:08:00,457 --> 02:08:02,448
So, you see, you've lost.
1879
02:08:05,018 --> 02:08:07,692
You can't fool me any more, Milo.
1880
02:08:08,979 --> 02:08:12,016
l haven't believed a single word
you've been saying.
1881
02:08:12,140 --> 02:08:13,618
lt's the truth.
1882
02:08:15,620 --> 02:08:16,894
Liar.
1883
02:08:17,020 --> 02:08:20,013
Phone Sergeant Tarrant
if you don't believe me.
1884
02:08:21,021 --> 02:08:25,459
You come here and announce
your intention to steal away my wife.
1885
02:08:26,143 --> 02:08:29,340
You pry into my manhood,
1886
02:08:29,463 --> 02:08:34,059
you lecture me on ignoble minds
1887
02:08:35,504 --> 02:08:38,702
and you mock the creation of my life,
1888
02:08:39,665 --> 02:08:42,624
St John Lord Merridew.
1889
02:08:47,027 --> 02:08:51,101
Well, they're all real bullets this time.
1890
02:08:54,628 --> 02:08:56,584
The game's over, Andrew.
1891
02:08:58,629 --> 02:09:00,301
l'm going home now.
1892
02:09:15,552 --> 02:09:18,544
Milo, you do see
1893
02:09:19,433 --> 02:09:22,824
l'm not really a very good games player.
1894
02:09:22,953 --> 02:09:24,865
l mean to say,
1895
02:09:24,994 --> 02:09:29,113
never play the same game
three times running.
1896
02:10:50,092 --> 02:10:51,240
Andrew?
1897
02:10:53,212 --> 02:10:54,645
Don't forget.
1898
02:10:55,893 --> 02:10:58,248
Be sure and tell them
1899
02:10:59,533 --> 02:11:00,966
it was just
1900
02:11:02,414 --> 02:11:04,609
a bloody game.